Organizing The Jelly Beans

Wise Words or Reason #5638292 Why I Adore My Son

2012-02-07T19:53:00.003-06:00

Me: Do you like or hate having autism?
Egg: I like it.
Me: Do you like or hate OCD?
Egg: I hate it.
Me: Why?
Egg: Because it makes everything soooo hard. I wish you could have autism like me. Because it's easier.
Me: Autism is really hard too. I don't mind having OCD, I'd just like it to get a bit better.
Egg: Yeah. We don't want to have nothing though. That would be too easy. We don't want things to be too easy or too hard, we want things to be medium.

2011

2012-01-03T03:18:00.008-06:00

2011 was the year that OCD won.
2011 was the year that depression won.
2011 was the year that anxiety won.
2011 was the year that agoraphobia won.
2011 was the year that M (my partner) had to reduce his working hours during the summer holidays so that Egg could go out, as I couldn't go outside.
2011 was the year that M had to go on stress leave from work. Because I begged him (and locked him in the kitchen).
2011 was the year I locked M in the kitchen so that he couldn't go to work, leaving me home with Egg who had a long weekend of school.
2011 was the year M had to break our house to get out of the kitchen.
2011 was the year there was a fire next door and M said that I would probably rather burn to death than go outside. He was right.
2011 was the year M's parent's offered us 10 years in their beautiful house, as they were moving due to work.
2011 was the year that a dog shit memory ruined and stalled moving house.
2011 was the year that M had to help me. With everything. All the time.
2011 was the year that M became carer and not boyfriend.
2011 was the year that I feared I pushed M too far but he stays, proving he is carer and boyfriend "I love her, She's NAME and She's Mine".
2011 was the year I felt like a burden.
2011 was the year I was a burden.
2011 was the year I was constantly saying "sorry" and "thank you"
2011 was the year I was constantly being sighed at.
2011 was the year M tried to be calm.
2011 was the year I told M it would be a good idea to go for a night out without me.
2011 was the year I was gutted M would rather go out without me.
2011 was the year I scared my family.
2011 was the year the bathroom was infested with tiny bugs and what appeared to be eggs or poo from woodlice (an other infestation).
2011 was the year that a dog mess memory from this house scared me, I worried we didn't clean it properly (years ago) and wanted to bin all of our things.
2011 was the year Egg came home from school with dog mess on his shoe and I freaked out (I think this actually was the main trigger for my breakdown).
2011 was the year I had a mental breakdown.
2011 was the year I stopped functioning.
2011 was the year I was asked "how much do you expect people to take" a million times.
2011 was the year I was asked "how many other people would put up with this" a million and 1 times.
2011 was the year I always felt guilty.
2011 was the year I was told guilt was a selfish emotion.
2011 was the year I didn't know what to feel.
2011 was the year M was so angry with me that he punched a wall and broke his hand.
2011 was the year that M still put gloves on a dettoled things for me, despite having a broken hand.
2011 was the year I felt alone.
2011 was the year nobody understood why.
2011 was the year I let myself rot.
2011 was the year I didn't try.
2011 was the year I did try.
2011 was the year I was nastily asked if I wanted " a pat on the back for being normal" (when I pointed out to M all the things I do fight everyday).
2011 was the year that I screamed yes I do want a bloody pat on the back for being normal because it's hard to be "normal" when you are not.
2011 was the year I was then thanked for the things I do fight.
2011 was the year it was back to asking if I wanted a pat on the back.
2011 was the year M was confusing.
2011 was the year I was called mental, several times.
2011 was the year M was the most horrible person.
2011 was the year M was the nicest person.
2011 was the year my mind wouldn't leave me alone.
2011 was the year I could feel my thoughts racing through my mind.
2011 was the year I hated being awake.
2011 was the year that I was in a state of constant panic.
2011 was the year I had to tell Egg's school to keep an eye on him as I feared I was messing him up.
2011 was the year I messed up Egg.
2011 was the year I scared Egg.
2011 was the year I upset Egg.
2011 was the year I found out how loving, caring, tolerant and compassionate Egg is.
2011 was the year I missed my son.
2011 was the year I couldn't face getting him off the bus, standing outside is just too hard.
2011 was the year I missed M.
2011 was the year I missed myself.
2011 was the year I messed up M.
2011 was the year I messed up myself.
2011 was the year I hated myself completely.
2011 was the year I just existed.
2011 I wanted to be dead.
2011 was the year I wished I was brave enough to kill myself.
2011 was the year that I nearly committed myself but I didn't. Because I didn't want the people who took me away to have their outside shoes in my house.
2011 was the year I tried to cut. But our knives were too blunt.
2011 was the year that I basically couldn't touch anything in the house.
2011 was the year that I was awake at night and asleep during the day.
2011 was the year that I stopped eating, for weeks at a time.
2011 was the year I started biting.
2011 was the year I hair pulled.
2011 was the year I slapped.
2011 was the year I punched.
2011 was the year I whacked my head.
2011 was the year I started taking half an hour to wash my hands.
2011 was the year that M started helping me with hand washing, washing taps when I was finished.
2011 was the year M dettoled a lot of things.
2011 was the year I hardly went to the toilet, because needing help (dettol/tap cleaning) is hard for everyone.
2011 was the year I started taking a minimum of an hour to shower.
2011 was the year my family got frustrated with me hogging the bathroom.
2011 was the year I hacked random chunks of my hair off.
2011 was the year I got too drunk.
2011 was the year I took a few too many painkillers.
2011 was the year I scared my in laws with an email about heaven and living hell, something about wondering if I was actually dead and was in hell.
2011 was the year I thought I was actually in hell, that I had done something so awful in life that this was my punishment.
2011 was the year I hated being an atheist and wished I had something or someone to help.
2011 was the year that I stopped doing the childcare/school/housework/shopping etc.
2011 was the year that childcare/school/housework/shopping etc was left to M.
2011 was the year that I realised how much I did before.
2011 was the year M did christmas.
2011 was the year I lost control of everything.
2011 was the year that my mind raced so fast that I could literally feel the thoughts spinning inside my head.
2011 was the year I cried. A lot.
2011 was the year I shouted. A lot.
2011 was the year M made me get help from the doctor. I wanted to wait until I moved.
2011 was the year I didn't go and see the doctor.
2011 was the year the doctor came round to my house.
2011 was the year I started taking medicine.
2011 was the year I started taking an increased dose of medicine.
2011 was the year the doctor contact therapists.
2011 was the year I put off the appointment.
2011 was the year I was really, really scared.
2011 was the year I drove M crazy with constant questioning.
2011 was the year I frustrated M so much he "wanted to shake me".
2011 was the year I wanted my mum.
2011 was the year that M encouraged me to go for a walk and I had multiple panic attacks, screaming and crying in the street.
2011 was the year that I made M buy me a pair of slippers every few days as I was convinced mine were dirty.
2011 was the year I got very lost.
2011 was the year I stopped being me.
2011 was the year I stopped being a mum.
2011 was the year that I messed my hands up with too much washing, skinning the palms with my nails, using water that was too hot and so on.
2011 was the year that I was scared M would leave me.
2011 was the year I was scared that I wouldn't see my child.
2011 was the year I feared M would have me committed.
2011 was the year that M made threats like that.
2011 was the year that M was incredibly understanding and nice.
2011 was the year that M was a complete headfuck.
2011 was the year that I was a complete headfuck.
2011 was the year I left the parent thing at Egg's school.
2011 was the year I left parent's evening to M as I couldn't face being in a taxi.
2011 was the year that I couldn't get taxis as I was worried the seats were dirty (in fairness this came about because of dirty brown stained taxis), petrol, bad drivers etc.
2011 was the year I found out M had kept in mild touch with his first love, which broke my heart.
2011 was the year I gave up.
2011 was....you know what let's not go on shall we?

Obsession.

2011-12-05T00:09:00.004-06:00

I don't know how to get over the feeling that the house is covered in dog mess.

Back story....8 or so years ago I stood in dog mess. Ed cleaned my shoe for me by rubbing it on a door mat. We never told anybody or did anything and I simply forgot all about it. People would have stood on the door mat then walked through the house, perhaps the wardrobe and fridge were delivered when the door mat was still there. Ed says no, it was long gone.

I don't know what to do. Is it a big deal, should I just get over it? This is ruining moving.

Bedroom Ideas & Some Good News!

2011-11-22T14:30:00.007-06:00

Ed's parents (aka the homeowners) are letting me remove the wardrobes!!!! They are stressed and upset, which I hate that I have caused. I cannot begin to explain how grateful I am. It means a lot to me that I have such awesome would be in laws. :)

Now...bedroom ideas......Ok, so my inspiration for our bedroom came from some red trimmed white sheets (which I saw years ago and never bought, boo) red, white and blue writing paper, this sewn note and Holly's (Nothing But Bonfires) office space. Here's what I am thinking so far....

A metal bed, can add storage underneath.

Crisp white bedding.

Navy blue paint.

A white blind.

A simple, inexpensive paper shade.

Gorgeous white furniture. I am thinking two bedside cabinets, perhaps a set or two of drawers and 2 wardrobes.

In between the wardrobes I would hang a silver framed full length mirror.

I think BAROMETER lamps would look great on the bedside tables and somewhere in the room I would put lovely (and cheap!) clear glass candle holders.

For some pops of red and blue I would add a red throw, some cushions with a simple red heart design and some bright blue candle holders.

I think a bedroom is really important. It's important to have a place that's not for kids. A place that makes you feel relaxed and happy. A place where you want to spend time with your partner. A place where sleep comes easy.

I still have lots to think about!

Here's some links to the stuff in the photo (exept the bedding and blind that were just found on images)..
LILLESAND bed
SONGE mirror
REGOLIT light shade
HEMNES wardrobe
HEMNES bedside tables
HEMNES 6 drawer chest
HEMNES 8 drawer chest
GALEJ tealight holders
STRANGNAS candle holder
IDGRAN cushion
OFELIA throw
BAROMETER lamp

Yep, all Ikea :)

And the paint is "Seaside" from Next.

New Tim DVD :)

2011-11-15T00:12:00.003-06:00

I wasn't there for the filming this time, but I managed to see the show 3 times. And it was awesome. Obviously. And I met him after two of the shows. Which made me very happy. And spent £120 to get home in a taxi after one of them, which wasn't the best. I also met a few orchestra peeps and Pete (bass) and Brad (drums) and Jules (conductor) and John (tour manager) which was awesome. I have photos and autographs to prove it. Anyway, here's a few videos advertising the awesomeness that is the new Tim DVD. Not that I have it yet because of my ridiculous agoraphobia and the fact I had no idea that it was half way through November till today (what? how did that happen?!)

Nothing Ruins Comedy By Tim Minchin

Pope Disco By Tim Minchin

Tim Minchin and The Heritage Orchestra DVD Trailer

A New Bed

2011-11-12T22:54:00.008-06:00

We are getting a new bed when we move. I'm not sure which bed to get. I know it will be from Ikea, because let's face it, I love Ikea and everything will be from there.

I really like this LILLESAND bed. I also like this BRIMNES bed and headboard. However, I wonder if I like it because I am drawn to white furniture and because of the storage it offers. I could easily put boxes under the LILLESAND so I really shouldn't be pulled in by storage. I probably wouldn't have space for the BRIMNES headboard anyway, due to the massive fitted wardrobe (yes, I still hate it and I am still moaning about it).

As for sheets, I'll probably have crisp white sheets, because I love that look, and because I am a grown up...... However I really, really want Star Wars sheets (you can buy the sheets from Pottery Barn Kids) :)
Me: Let's get Star Wars sheets!
Ed: That's for children
Me: No! They sell big bed sizes
Ed: Where sell big bed sizes?
Me: Erm, Pottery Barn Kids...
Ed: Clues in the name.

I'll probably get them for the kid and nap in there when he's at school (that was a joke). I might get the cushions. And a Lego Star Wars alarm clock. And a Darth Vader dress up costume......

According to Sheldon the Star Wars sheets are too stimulating anyways........

MASKROS?

2011-11-08T22:04:00.002-06:00

This light (from Ikea, duh, where else?) is either incredibly awesome or incredibly not. I think it's awesome. Is it? It is, isn't it? Perhaps part of me is worried I'll get lost in the pretty patterns it produces on the wall, and another part of me thinks I'll spend my days trying to blow it like it is a giant dandelion. I could think of worse ways to spend my time. I think I've spent so long in a house that I hate and that I can do nothing to that it feels weird to be able to get nice things. So to MASKROS or not to MASKROS?

The Indecisive Girl & The Eleventybillion Shades of Blue.

2011-11-07T15:31:00.009-06:00

You guys, paint samples!!!!
Here are the colours as they appear on the website.....

Next Driftwood
Next China Blue
Next Seaside
Next School House
Next Tropical Teal
Next Spa Retreat
Next Glass Lake

The Sherlock Holmes types amongst you might just notice, if you look really carefully, that all of the paints are from Next. Basically that's down to my freaking out one night online trying to pick colours. Did you know there are eleventybillion shades of blue? Did you also know that I am the most indecisive human in the whole world? Did you know that looking at paint samples from midnight until 6am makes your brain feels like it is about to explode? Thankfully I remembered that Next sell paints. I clicked on the website to have a look (there is a shop near us so Ed went and got them the next day, which caused me much falpping and girlie squeeing from me, much to our surprise). Just 25 colours of paint. 25. I can just about cope with 25. Just.

Egg wanted blue, so we got all the blues and teals they sell and let him choose what he wanted. I am delighted he chose Next China Blue, which is what I would have chosen for him if the decision were mine to make.

The dark blue (3rd) is what we have chosen for the bedroom. Inspired by Holly who writes Nothing But Bonfires, one of my new favourite blogs. Her recently made over home office is navy. I was always getting white furniture. Probably with a massive fitted wardrobe, but the rest'll be white. I've always loved that white, red and blue writing paper. Years ago I saw white sheets with thin red trim but alas, that's long gone. This gorgeous sewn letter from Twig and Thistle has long been an inspiration. Isn't it beautiful?

I want it. In bedroom form. I was originally thinking boring old plain white for the walls, but now we are going dark blue! 'Tis exciting!

The living room was tricky. I couldn't think what colour to paint it. It needed painted as I don't do terracotta, which it currently is. Dudes, I am a red head. I don't need my living room to be orange. I was beginning to fear the worst, that it would be painted cream. I am in love with this Ikea Living room, all of it, the walls, the furniture, the lamps, the mirror. It is basically my dream room. But grey walls? Grey is after all colour I love. But Ikea isn't real life. No, can't go grey. Everything else in that picture, no problem, but not grey. Enter sighing and self pitying here.

Then one night on twitter I read a tweet from Girl's Gone Child retweeting Holly's office makeover and stating that she 'LOVES. THIS. SO' and because I love Girl's Gone Child more than I care to mention (her blog is here. you're welcome.) I followed the link through to the office make over post, because if GGC loves it, I want to see it, because it's bound to be something awesome. (did I mention I love her, yes? Ok I'll shut up). I fell in love with Holly and her blog instantly and had a rummage around her blog. Her style is freaking awesome. Then I stumbled across her bedroom make over post. Fuck me!You're allowed to paint a room grey?! That's a thing you can do? You can take a colour that you love and put it on your walls even if the colour is a bit, well, like the pavement? Like I said, I LOVE grey, but would never have braved putting it on my walls. What is my problem? For fucks sake, it’s just paint. If it sucks, it can get painted over, no harm done. Yes! My living room shall be grey!

There is so much painted white wood in my soon to be living room, what with its large skirting boards and wood panelling beside the [massive] windows, and then there’s the coving, ceiling and ceiling rose which will be white too. There won’t be a crazy amount of grey. I really think it will work. Especially with the stuff I have chosen from IKEA, but that’s top secret just now... Ok, so basically just the above picture, but with nicer sofas and a few splashes of colour, which are top secret... Ok, purple and green.

And the best part? Next only offer two greys, one of which is actually brown and not grey, so the choice was pretty darn easy. Even I can decide between 1 colour.

The Wardrobe [my] Dreams Are Made Off........

2011-11-03T21:41:00.014-05:00

I am in love with HEMNES furniture at Ikea. I have been in love with it for years. I am pretty sure it loves me back. We'd be great together, and we know it. Sadly despite living here for about 8 years I never managed to get any of it, due to the house being a nightmare (dampness, falling to bits hell hole) but now that I am moving I can. Except I can't. Because there is a massive gold framed mirrored fitted wardrobe in my new bedroom.

I asked if I could remove it, saying I would pay to get it replaced but unfortunately I got told no. It was too much money (it did cost them a ton of money, in fairness) and is part of the fabric of the house. It's not fitted as in there would be a hole in the wall if removed, rather it's drilled into the wall and floor and has a piece of wood across the top making it reach the celling. They pointed out that it would cause a lot of disruption to remove it. So money, fabric, disruption. I am gutted they said no. Heartbroken. I can't even begin to tell you how much I have cried about this. Pathetic, I know, I know.

So dream with me if you will......

Two HEMNES Wardrobes along one wall....

Have I mentioned the awesome key detail that I am in love with?

And I'd put this mirror in between the wardrobes.....

It would be awesome, don't you think? Sigh. It's not worth getting upset about. I am very lucky to get a borrowed house for the next decade. I am aware that I sound like a greedy spoiled brat. I am aware that I am being difficult. I am aware that it is just a wardrobe. I get all of that, I just don't feel all of that. I'm sure I'll get over it. I'll work around the wardrobe. I'll have time in future bedrooms to live out my wardrobe dreams, but for know you'll find me in Ikea, playing home in the display rooms.

You know, given all the autism, ocd, agoraphobia bull shit round here, it feels strange to be this upset over furniture!

Fresh Start

2011-10-30T22:26:00.005-05:00

I love organizing the jelly beans. I love the colour, I love the lay out, I love the jelly beans picture. I love the imperfections. This humble little place is my home. I don't want to move. I've tried, but it's never felt right, here is home, so here I stay.

Plus I simply I hate new blogger. I love old blogger. New blogger is shit, old blogger is not shit.

I did however want a change, fed up with posts written by a person I don't really feel like anymore. Hence the fresh start.

At first I was going to just save all posts here as drafts, meaning that I could go back and read them whenever the mood struck but whilst the comments are saved, they only appear on published posts. Comments are such a big part of what I wanted to save. So what I did was create a blog called "old jelly beans" which I moved all my posts and comments to. Importing the blog was a pain in the ass. I'm sure it's easy for most but as I am not good with computers it took me a while (read: far too long). If you want to see "the old jelly beans", no problem, it's on private so just drop me an email to let me know you want in.

I'll be adding an "about" page at some point with some more things about me, but for now welcome to the nold (new+old) place :)

ps Whilst dicking around with the blog lay out I accidentally deleted my blog list. After much swearing and much pouting I am trying to make the list back up. Which is hard. I read approx eleventy billion blogs that weren't even on the list but I know the address for all of them. Well I know what I type into my little google box on my google tool bar to find them, just a letter ussualy. But the ones on the list I simply clicked through. It would appear I don't know half the names of blogs on that list, which would be odd but given that it's 4:58am and I am still up, my lack of memory is actually not that surprising...... Please don't be offended if you think I've deleted you, I promise I want to read! Send help!

Shit

2011-10-13T11:52:00.004-05:00

This house.....

Years ago ED stood in dog mess and walked it through the house. Luckily we have laminate in the livingroom, so that got dettoled. But the stairs, hall and bedroom were walked through. I washed it with fairy liquid and then we steam cleaned it, I never really felt like it was clean, but I didn't really think about it.

I never cleaned the stairs. I don't know why. Now all I can think about is the fact that there was a shit covered carpet in my house and we have spread shit everywhere. It's on everything, all of our things. Not visibly, but it still must be. The bacteria, the germs, the sheer disgustingness.

That house.......

The house I am meant to be moving into. Years ago, when I lived there I stood in shit. I wasn't sure what to do. ED "cleaned" my shoe by rubbing it on a door mat. I literally thought nothing else about it. Now all I can think about is all the shit that must have been walked around that house. From people walking on the door mat etc.

This is ALL I can think about. It's consumming my brain. I can't make it go away.

I am probably not going to be moving house. I don't know what to do. I might lose my son and my partner. ED is still moving. ED thinks everything is fine. I want to bin everything and not move into that house. That is not an option for ED.

I don't have the balls to kill myself, but if I did, I would.

How I Feel....

2011-09-15T09:22:00.005-05:00

I feel like the whole house is contaminated with poo germs(animal, insect and human).

There is very little left in the house that I can touch.

I am needing more and more help form ED.

I am begging him to take time off work. How on earth will we move?

I am starting to hate my son.

Constantly anxious. Constantly afraid. Constantly washing.

Showering is taking over an hour now.

It's like I've had a stroke and forgotten how to do things.

Moments of normal mixed with things no child or partner or sufferer should ever have to put up with.

OCD taking over. I am merely John Malkovich (the vessel).

Wish I could sleep and never wake up.

I feel like someone has chopped off both my hands and that I am itchy and desperate to scratch. So much stuff needs done around here and I can't do it as I am too afraid to touch things! Ed has taken over the shopping too, which is frustrating, he's amazing, I have just lost control. It's frustrating wanting and needing things, not knowing what is in the house, feeling like the food is his and not mine.

AspieMom Competition!

2011-09-08T05:19:00.005-05:00

I have no readers and I'm not writing but I just wanted to say to anyone who might still be clicking on here (would be pretty cool if I had an obsessed stalker) that AspieMom over at The Neurotypical Mom Chronicles is giving away a copy of Seeing Ezra, Seeing Myself by Kerry Cohen!! Be sure to read AspieMom's hilarious book review post and click here to enter the competition.

If you win could you send me the book? I don't think I should buy any more books on autism. Ok, so I've added it to my amazon wish list.

ps AspieMom is awesome. That is all.

Healthy Peanut Butter and Banana Tortilla Spirals (for BB)

2011-08-23T02:20:00.010-05:00

Last year Egg's class were looking at recipes, so we made a recipe sheet for these yummy spirals, since I had the photos handy I thought I would share. They go down a treat and are intended for a big or shared snack or a meal. BTW tortillas can be kept in the freezer and are handy to have as they defrost in minutes. I love a chesse quesadilla, which is just 2 tortillas filled with cheese (or one folded in half) cooked in a frying pan (no oil needed, and we use little 20g packs of cheese so they are not too bad fat wise) and Egg adores tortilla pizzas (top with pasata, cheese and whatever toppings you like, cook at 200 for "a while" ;) ).

You will need: 1 tortilla, 1 banana, Some peanut butter (we use Whole Earth peanut butter has it as no additives and is free from added sugar).

First, spread peanut butter all over the tortilla.

Peel the banana.

Place the banana on the tortilla like this.

Roll it up.

Use a knife to and cut it up. (I don't have a knife phobia, Ed sort of does. I think Egg could cut himself, sure, I just don't think that he will die. He is careful and supervised)

Serve!

Eat!

Misunderstanding re:carpets

2011-08-20T11:11:00.003-05:00

In the comments in my last post I mentioned that the owners of the house I am moving into seemed very attached to there rather disgusting carpets. I simply put this down to how attached they are to their home, I appreciate how hard it is going to be for them to move (not knowing if they'll return) and assumed that they wanted things kept the same.

But here's the thing....there was a misunderstanding. When Egg came home with dog shit on his shoe (from a school trip) I had a bit of a freak out. In fact I think this triggered the severe change in my mental state. Anyway, because the carpet was already up Egg walked on bare, untreated floor boards. Now. No actual poo came off his shoe. But I have "contamination" fears and felt that everything was covered in poo. So I made Egg's dad get a new carpet. It cost £300. Which was the cheapest we could find. This incident resulted in ED's dad telling him that their carpets cost a lot of money and that I couldn't just change them. Egg's Dad took this to mean we couldn't change the carpets, period.

Yesterday, Egg's Dad pulled up the matter again. Which resulted in ED's dad asking him if we wanted to move in or not, and ED had to tell him that if we couldn't change the carpets then there was not much point, and in the nicest way he told them that he wasn't sure why the were attached to dirty (just general dirt on stairs etc) falling to bits 15 year old carpets. It turns out ED's dad was 100% fine with us changing the carpets! Just not every month when I had a freak out, it seems they got worried when I put the hall carpet down. ED explained that wasn't a possibility because we wouldn't have outside shoes in the house. There is a concrete section between the storm doors and the main door that could be used for that, plus we intend to put laminate or lino down in the hall, just in case. If anyone walks anything in the house I'll clean it up and dettol it. You might all wander what the problem is, but in the area where I live there is usually at least one dog mess per street. PICK UP AFTER YOUR DOGS, PEOPLE!!!!

So all is well. I have been scared of the carpets in this house for years as ED walked dog mess in the house and I never felt like it was cleaned right, so I avoid certain parts of them (I'm sure they are fine, I let ED and Egg walk on them). I can't wait to feel clean. Brand new carpets in every room! To walk around a house in bare feet :) And thankfully ED is cashing in a pension so we can kind of afford them (ok, so given our trillion pounds of debt, we totally can't afford them).

The only problem is one of the rooms has fitted wardrobes and I am not sure how to go about removing the carpet (as the wardrobe is on top of it). We could just cut round it but I am not sure if the sliding doors would work because the grip would need to be put round it and also if it would look awful. But we'll figure something out, any ideas?

Question About Cat Shit......

2011-08-11T13:11:00.003-05:00

Ok, the other half told me to ask the internet, so I am.

The house we are meant to be moving to has (lots of) cat mess on the carpets (poo/pee/vomit) and on other places but thankfully those are cleanable (eg bathroom tiles etc). Anyway, I either want to replace the carpets or not move. Other half thinks "OCD clouds my vision" and "everything is cleanable" and "brown stains are just stains, the poo isn't there". So he wants to get them cleaned.

So tell me (us). What would you do?

Thank You Egg's Dad

2011-07-04T04:23:00.003-05:00

Egg's Dad is now working 7-1. He'll come home and take Egg out. Because I can't.

I worry about Egg's dad. About my constant asking him ocd stuff "what's that on the floor" "could you wash this for me?" "could you not touch that" "did you stand in poo". I worry that being overweight, not having a house/money, lots of debt, tinnitus, not many friends, an underpaid and under appreciated work life, an autistic kid and a mentally ill partner will push him to leave. And I don't want him to.

I will get better and I will remember the summer he helped me. I will remember that he stayed with me, and although frustrated he didn't walk out.

My bruises are fading, but the big bite mark is still really gross looking (did I mention I was biting). I am lossing weight (did I mention I've lost my appetite?) but I have just forced down a small bowl of cereal which I will try to do every morning and I'll eat dinner and some evening snacks.

If I have any Canadian readers (oh Kia, I miss you so much) could I please come live with you. I would drop everything and move to Canada with my boys in a second.

Ps I hate what autism does to Egg. A fucking four year old prompted me to tell Egg's Dad that I would "slap the little bitch if she didn't shut up" (which was a joke, kind of) when she asked him what language he was speaking. He replied "English" and she said she thought he was speaking French. Bitch.

Mental Illness Taking Over.

2011-06-28T11:17:00.008-05:00

I put my blog on private because I decided that I shouldn't really be writing about Egg. Also I simply had nothing to say. Also my autinions (autism opinions) are very different, ever changing and I'm not even sure what I think anymore. But I felt the need to come back and tell you just how shit my life is now (and also how shit I make Egg's and Egg's Dad lives).

I am in a really bad place, completely overwhelmed with the thought of moving house, we need lots of new stuff and Egg's new room needs painted and carpeted, it's going to be hard. My current house is a disgrace. Damper than ever, bugs everywhere, dirty, cramped, cluttered and disgusting. Egg came home from school the other day with dog shit on his shoe, so I am now convinced WHOLE HOUSE is covered in poo. I made Egg's Dad get a new carpet. We are moving in September and the shit didn't even come off his shoe.

My OCD, anger, paranoia, agoraphobia has reached new heights (lows?). I am going insane. So much so that today, the second day of the school holidays Egg's Dad had to come home from work as he was so worried about me. He is in talks about having the summer off as unpaid leave.

I give Egg's Dad a really hard time, nagging, moaning and complaining, I have no idea why, I mean some things bug the hell out of me but really I am terrible round the house and he puts up with so much, works, does loads of the child care/shopping/housework etc really I don't know what I am moaning about. He really is very good and I don't know what I would do if he wasn't in my life. Which he could do. He could take Egg, go and live in the house that we were going to live in (as it's his parents house) and tell me to fuck off. But he doesn't. I don't really know why.

Just now he has taken Egg out, to buy loads of shoes and slippers and get keys cut. A result of me daring to go outside. Yeah, I can't even explain it.

Egg's Dad is the most worried he's been about me since I gave birth to Egg (general worry). When I gave birth to Egg I had been cut open and there were a lot of people in the room blood covered room.

So that's right, I can't even look after my own son. I have pretty bad OCD/Agoraphobia/OTHER STUFF, no job, no house, no money, no friends, I am fat and disgusting, my relationship with Egg is turning into more of a carer set up where he has to look after me (why I am sure is very sexy for Egg's Dad) and now I can't even be a mum.

Egg Stories

2011-03-14T11:08:00.006-05:00

We had never done Social Stories before, more work for me I guess, perhaps I didn't understand them, but the other day whilst I was sitting with Egg I drew a quick picture of him on the school bus and said "Egg's bus is here, mum and Egg say good bye to each other, Egg sits on the bus with his belt on, Mum waves at Egg, Egg waves at Mum, Mum feels happy because Egg has waved" or something along those lines. Egg continued the story talking, about his whole day at school and I assumed that nothing would come of it.

Then he waved back. Now when Egg's bus drives off and I wave he waves back to me. Every time. And I feel happy, every time, just like the social story said I would.

It feels a bit kind of subliminal brainwashing, but hey, a wave is a wave.

Oh the possibilities....

There's an Autism Library in my bedroom, and nobody's invited (because they are my books and I do not do sharing).

2011-03-09T04:39:00.007-06:00

bbsmum tagged me. I am not one for tagging but I am one for bbsmum (did I just make it sound like I have the hots for her?) and I since it's a book meme thingie I thought I'd play. If by playing you mean not actually doing what the meme is but staying on the theme and then not tagging anyone.....

Ok, so I have to take photo's of the books beside my bed. My camera is out of batteries and I don't actually read in bed because of sleeping arrangements but the book I am currently reading is Laughter and Tears:A Family's Journey to Understanding the Autism Spectrum by Ann Hewetson. I am really enjoying the book. Oh, that's another thing, I suck at talking about books.

If anyone wants to play then please consider yourself tagged.

I've wanted to put together a list of all the books I have anyway so here are the books in the shelves beside my bed. If you like the look of any of them I suggest searching on both uk and us amazon to read the reviews. And don't judge me on the "curbie" ones. The jenny ones were out of borderline obsessional curiosity. I haven't read all of these books. I hate some of them, but my autism/special needs/disability books are a kind of comfort balnket I guess, so I keep all of them. We call the collection my "autism library" :)Because I suck at talking/writing about books I won't. I am awful at picking favorites so again, I won't. I prefer to call this collection a hobby rather than an obsession :) And nobody mention the eleventy billion autism books that's still on my wish list at amazon, begging to be purchased.....

F you for making me think about this

2011-03-01T08:40:00.007-06:00

I lurk here. Why do I lurk? Probably because she is way cooler than me. She has the balls to say things that I don't. Like when she writes about bus "issues" and so on, how I wish I felt confident enough to do things like that. Anyhoo I was doing my usual lurk (I wish there was a less pervy sounding name for lurking) and I saw this post. And then the tears came. Read the post and read the comments and then come back.

The tears came because I don't like to think about the future, at all. I like store those thoughts away. One of those "I'll work on that when we get a new house" thoughts. Denial.

Now, if Egg is happy then I'm happy. If he doesn't get married/have a long term partner or have kids or have his own house I will be ok with that as long as he is happy. But if he wants those things and can't have them, it would break my heart. Great now I feel self obsessed. "It would break my heart" it's all about me, me, me. Sigh.

He talks all the time about having a wife and he sometimes talks about children. He even made up Cloeen, his imaginary wife.

He copies Toy Story 3 ."I wish I could always be with you" he whispers into my ear but he is only copying a film. He won't want to be 35 and living with me. Or maybe he will. And maybe I won't.

The level of autism Egg is at is so fucking awkward and uncertain. And I am sure this may be the case with most young kids on the spectrum, but it just feels so scary. So fucking uncertain and scary. I have no idea what Egg will be like what he will be capable of.

I know the whole positive spiel that special needs parents jibber on about but that's a bit head in the sand for me. "Maybe" things will work out. Yeah, well maybe the won't, then what? Then I feel like shit for lowering expectations.

I wish I knew the future.

And this is why, this is why I am starting to hate autism. This is why I sometimes wish he wasn't autistic. This is why I wish I could take it away.

And then we get onto the "when I die" thoughts and that's when you'll find me rocking in the corner.

In the words of commenter Dani J "Fuck you for making me think about this". (that was a joke people).

Mary and Max

2011-02-28T06:18:00.004-06:00

A must see film. Brilliant! Go watch it now!

Autism

2011-02-25T03:58:00.006-06:00

I used to be so angry, angry at anything that contained anything to do with autism. I could find fault with anything I read or watched or heard. Now not so much.

I'm not on the mmr caused autism camp, because I don't think it did in our case, but honestly I don't know. Did it? I have no idea what happened before or after the jags. I guess I don't have to think about it so I don't. If I were to have another baby I am guessing that it would be in my thoughts a lot more than it is now.

I think my way of coping with the diagnoses was "extreme acceptance". If I were to change Egg at all I wouldn't have been accepting him.

Now more and more my opinions are changing. I am starting to see the autism as not him. I am starting to get angry with it and upset. I am worried about the future. I do want Egg to get better. To improve, progress but I haven't found a word I feel comfortable using. I understand people that have "a completely different opinion" to me a lot more now, I'm even starting to agree with them sometimes.

If you could take away my OCD/Agoraphobia/Anxiety/Depression etc I would happily let you. Would it change me, yes.

I remember about the time Egg was getting diagnosed I said to Ed that I thought that a child could progress so much that they would get off the diagnoses chart/work their way up the spectrum. I said that almost 5 years ago. And I still believe it. I believe that a child like Egg can progress so much that he could lead a much better life. I kept that opinion locked away. You can't say things like that, can you?

I want my son to talk. I want him to understand. I want him to converse. I want him to learn. I want him to stop worrying. To stop panicking. To stop getting so angry. To stop getting so upset. I want him to be safe. I want him to be happy. I want him to be independent.

"I like flapping, flapping is fun". Yes sweetheart it is, but will you think that at 14?

Being autistic, in Egg's case, can be worked on. He might always carry the diagnoses, and that's fine, but it's how it affects him that stings.

I'm really scared. We get no help, nothing. Egg goes to a special needs school and that's it. No speech, no therapy, no nothing.

I want my son to have the best possible life he can.

People used to say "oh I am sorry" when I told them Egg was autistic. I used to say "It's fine!". Not anymore. My mask is slipping. It's not fucking fine. I'd give anything for my son to talk properly. Not so he "fits in" or is "normal" but because I want to have a conversation with my son. He talks, by the way, I can't explain what it is I mean.

I am so proud of him and am happy at how well he is doing. And the poor lad does have a difficult life. A terrible home, a mother who is slowly going insane, a computer addicted dad who has a "something" on his brain, a "something" which is scaring the shit out of me.

I was whining the other day to Ed that Egg doesn't wave back to me on the bus and I came into the living room and found Egg doing his food book all by himself. The guilt the guilt is unbearable. As soon as I start thinking of progress or improvement or "recovery" (though Egg couldn't recover as he's always had it) I feel like I am undermining anything he has ever achieved.

End post, my head feels like it about to explode.

Parts 1-5 result

2011-02-23T05:36:00.007-06:00

So, that thing that we were hoping was going to happen. Y'know the us moving into Ed's parents house for ten years? Yeah, it's a definite YES! We will be in the house at the end of this year. And we have the kind permission to do what we like to the house, something I am grateful for because I simply assumed there would be a "don't touch a thing" warning put on the house, not because they are nasty people, just because I didn't think that they would understand that we would be there for ten years. They have the kindness to allow their house to be ours, and I am beyond grateful. I don't want to change much, just another colour in the living room really, and the room Egg will be in, but that was in need of work anyway, so that was never a problem. They have also gave us the ok to do what we like to the garden, which I am in utter shock about!

Because there is a such a long wait to get in I am on saving mode. I've nearly managed to clear a credit card and was about to work on the cheapest of our two loans but I have decided to scrub that (the loans are manageable and will be paid of in 4 years anyway) and start saving for stuff for the house (we really have nothing in this house, just our bed and Egg's two toy storage systems is the only big furniture we would be taking with us). Next year we will start putting money away in a "house fund" but this year will be about making our ten year temporary house a home. Because the three of us so desperately need this and deserve this.

Thanks for sending us all that positive energy!

Chick Drawing Activity

2011-02-22T07:00:00.005-06:00

I was going through some old photos and found this. A simple drawing activity we did a year or so ago. A child/adult who wants to draw but struggles with it might find this helpful. Of course it doesn't have to be a chick, you could do anything at all. How cute is Egg's chick?!

New Tim Song

2011-02-18T18:47:00.005-06:00

http://www.timminchin.com/2011/02/16/time-for-a-lullaby/

It's for adults. I like it. I can't wait till April/May so I can see the Tim gigs, all three of them, whoop :) I'm clearly sucking at my attempt to stay spoiler free for the shows......

Recovery

2011-02-18T09:23:00.005-06:00

As in mine. I have a metal health team now. Someone came to see me today. I hope that over time she can help me. I need this to work.

Part 5

2011-02-01T05:27:00.007-06:00

Oh people. The past few day have been hell. Fights with Ed on and off. Someone left some dog mess outside my house, which I had to clean up. And tonight is parents evening so I should be tidying instead so that my mother who is babysitting isn't horrified. Sigh. Anyway here's Part 5......

You might want to read Parts 1-4 first if you haven't already.

Part 1 & Part 2 http://organizingthejellybeans.blogspot.com/2011/01/good-news-part-1-beginning_29.html

Part 3 & Part 4 http://organizingthejellybeans.blogspot.com/2011/01/good-news-part-3-part-4-part-5-coming.html

Remember I said I lived with Ed's parents during the end of my pregnancy and for six months of Egg's life?

Whilst I hated living with them, I most certainly don't hate their house.

It's a beautiful three bedroom semi-detached house with the wall that joins the two sections of the building being hallways and stairs. Does that make sense? The actual rooms (eg bedroom, living room) do not share a wall with an actual room in the house next door. Just hallways and stairs. This means noise isn't a problem. There's a massive living room, humongous kitchen, dining room, huge bathroom, attic office and a back garden, whilst not ideal for play, it is private (unlike in this house where it feels like 5 million eyes are watching) and with access via a back door in the kitchen and all it would take is a big gate (put between the house and the garage) to keep it safe. There is a slabbed patio (with stairs leading down to the back garden) at the back door, which would be a lovely play area, if you ignore the drain ;).

They have a beautiful stain glass section in their front door which I am in love with. They recently painted the hall a dark teal which compliments the door beautifully.

There are lots of things I am not keen on, just a taste difference really. I wouldn't have chosen the kitchen and I am not a fan of the orange colour in the living room, but again, it's just different tastes, and it's not that I hate it, I would just have chosen differently. Ed's mother is a self confessed hoarder and the house is quite cluttered and messy, I'd change that! I know the house has given Ed's parents a lot of grief over the years, drain problems, new boiler, water pressure and so on. But I also know they love the house. Ed's mum talks of just how lucky she feels.

The type of house I could only dream of living in.

Could you imagine?

The attic office could hold my autism books (Ed jokes I have enough for a support library, to which I respond "I don't do sharing") and activity stuff including the laminator and printer. I could buy a book binder. That the kind of shit I get excited about, book binders.

Ed's parents bedroom could be ours, mine and Ed's. They recently got a fitted monster wardrobe in there. I could buy my beloved drawers for it. I believe there is a built in cupboard in there too. We could have a space the is Egg free! Sex! Oh actually I think I have a headache ;)

Egg could have Ed's old room. His stuff, his toys, his space. I have dreams for his bedroom, a space of his own that he deserves.

The small third bedroom could be what I am calling sensory room, but I have my own ideas about that.

The living room so spacious, it would feel relaxing instead of the three of us feeling on top of each other. We could buy a tv/dvd player that works (our tv takes up to an hour to switch on!).

The kitchen, massive and usable. I could have food. In my cupboards. That's the dream people. We could cook! If we cook in this house we have to use the dining table that's in the living room. Which isn't fun.

The garden would suit us. We could put a gate up and safety and privacy would be ours!

The dining room could be the school/activity room (there's a built in table in the kitchen that's big enough for the three of us), full of activities. Again the type of stuff that excites me.

It would be amazing.

It's a shame that Ed's recently retired dad isn't probably getting a new job for ten years that comes with a house meaning that they would then have to sell or rent out their current house, but that they actually wouldn't want to sell or rent out so instead ask us if we would mind living in their current house for ten years rent free.

Oh wait my mistake, Ed's dad is getting that job. The job that comes with a house. Probably. And they have asked us if we would consider living in their current house for the ten years they'll be living somewhere else.

Consider?! Yeah, let me think about it!!!!

Oh my god people, I might be getting a house!!!! A livable, suitable, beautiful house!!!!

We can use those ten years to live happily in a not only suitable and beautiful house but perfect house! We can use those ten years to get out of debt and work at getting me better and help Egg! We can have used those ten rent free years to save up some money for our own place!

I'm not daft, I know it will still be scary, moving will still be hard, there's still the risk that this will upset Egg (long term regression is my personal monster). Egg could take it really well as the house is familiar or he could freak out as it's his grandparent's house. It will be a lot of work. I will have to work hard at loving our home but knowing that it's only for ten years. I'm thinking of it as renting. It's ours, but not forever, and that's ok. If Ed's parents live there till they are no longer with us, we will have the house back. If after ten years they decide to sell it then I'll rob a bank and buy it off them.

I've never for one second thought that having a house, a home, would fix all of our problems. The problems would still need worked at, but the difference would be that I could actually start focusing on them.

Please keep everything crossed for us!!

This is all very much at the maybe stage, but just maybe things will work out. Please let things work out.

Good News Part 3 & Part 4 (part 5 coming soon)

2011-01-30T09:33:00.002-06:00

Click the link to read Parts 1 & 2 http://organizingthejellybeans.blogspot.com/2011/01/good-news-part-1-begining_29.html

Part 3 ~Not Just House Problems~

Egg was diagnosed with autism. So there's that.

He also has possible asthma. So there's that. Then there was the seizure. Yeah, that was scary.

Ed has suffered a lot but I won't go into that too much.

We, me and Ed, have both got a lot fatter over the years (though that's changing, yay!). We are unhealthy with our sleep too. Health is at an all time low.

My mental health has suffered a lot. My "OCD", depression, anxiety, possible bipolar likeness, my "OCD induced agoraphobia", noise sensitivity, anger. I can barley find the energy to wash my hair.

When things were starting to get bad in the house life was still kind of ok. I had to take Egg to therapy, and whilst I didn't love the therapy I did like the staff. There was talk time for parents, like therapy I guess. When there wasn't talk time there were two other mums who I spoke with once a week over a cuppa. I had to take Egg to nursery and I had to walk outside to get there as I couldn't get four taxis a day! I made a friend at the nursery who I spent with when the kids were in nursery with, and we'd often have play dates after. Being basically forced to walk and socialise was keeping me going but I drifted from my friend in the last six months of nursery and Egg gets a bus now so I don't need to go anywhere. I need to motivate myself and that's a pretty big task. I don't blame everything on the house.

Ed and me were fighting big time. We still do, but not like then. There was bruises and destroyed belongings for both of us. Not good, not good at all. We still talk from time to time about splitting up, but truthfully I don't want to. I want to not have OCD, for him to maybe get Egg more (but I want to get Egg more too) and I want a house. I think that Ed would be happier if I left him alone in the evenings so he could play computer games then at night time had sex with him and that's not really what I was looking for in a relationship. Intimacy is non existent. I am not a soppy touchy feely person and I know ED struggles with that, often attempting to get into what I call my "bubble". It must be hard when you gently stroke your partner and they nearly throw up in disgust. But I do still want intimacy. But there is a child in our bedroom, so it's a no no, yes there are a couple of places around the house, but it's not comfy, or natural for us. We are bed types. Both myself and ED are pretty "strange" I guess so it's not that odd that we struggle at life and relationships. Plus he is my first boyfriend as an adult, whilst I am his third partner. All my mistakes happened with him. He got to fuck up before. I don't think he realizes that. Plus the fact that he is older. Only five years, but I'd have loved those five years. It's not his fault I didn't get them. It takes two people to get pregnant. But I do resent him for it. And whilst I know that's not fair, I'm being honest. I am jealous. Basically we have a lot of problems and a lot of work is needed.

Being in the house all day most days has a bad affect on me. If I could at least enjoy my prison things might be a little easier.

I had been screaming for help, begging for help and support but it wasn't that Ed wouldn't give it to me, he couldn't, he can't. He has no idea what he can do to help me.

I finally braved walking outside to go to the doctors during the summer holiday in 2010 as I actually thought I was going to go insane. Of course the doctor offered pills, but I declined. I don't want pills. He suggested an organization, that really isn't for me. He also put me forward for social services, who had been ignoring my pleas for help.

A social worker person came to my house. I felt very fobbed off but she did suggest I get a mental health assessment.

The person who did the mental health assessment was lovely. I felt supported.

She was meant to come back but the bloody snow got in the way. I got a letter saying she was coming out again in January. Unfortunately I missed a cancellation phone call and I missed a letter from her colleague which apologised for the missed appointment and gave a new appointment time.

When her male colleague along with another girl came out to my house I wasn't expecting them, as I hadn't noticed the letter, which caused a lot of upset. But they kindly went away, seeing my distress, saying that they would arrange a future appointment. It was only the other day that I discovered the letter saying he was coming out, so I will have to apologize for missing the letter. I have trouble with the mail as I don't like picking it up as it means more hand washing. The mail is chaos, all over the bloody place, most of it Ed's, oh how I wish he would organise it!

The main reason I wanted help from social services should have been for Egg and for my own mental health problems, but it wasn't. It was simply to help us get a house.

I suppose I focus on the house. I don't know how I can motivate myself to get better when I live here.

Part 4 ~Council House~

We are in debt.

A lot of debt.

Though I happy to say that I am focusing on this and trying to work our way out of it and it's getting there.

We can't get a mortgage.

We can't afford to rent.

If we were to rent we would have no money at all.

OCD, my particular brand, is expensive. I have to bin things often. I might need new shoes if I were to start walking outside again as if I step in something I'll have to bin the shoes. Because I can't walk outside I get taxis. A the moment it's just to the shops and school when there's a parent council meeting or show but say during the holidays I am with Egg five day a week whilst ED is at work I can't make him live like I do.

Council House it had to be. Housing association, whatever.

There are a lot of wonderful people out there and many of them live in council houses. I've lived in a council house. Ed's friend lived in a council house. But it's still a worry that we would have to live in the same building as an addict. What if we got a flat, when we need a house with a garden.

Egg is noisy and we have a great downstairs neighbour here, who says she doesn't mind the noise I still fell very uncomfortable about it. What about horrible downstairs neighbours who complain, what then?

What if we lived on a street covered in dog mess. Most streets here are, we are just "lucky" because of the dog walking bit (which isn't actually a dog walking bit btw, it's an area of grass, which my neighbor tells me years ago even had seating areas. Selfish people have destroyed it).

What if we had upstairs neighbours and Egg couldn't cope with the noise? What if their pipes burst and destroyed our house. What if their toilet waste pipe burst and I had a panic attack for the rest of my life?! What if our pipes burst and wrecked the houses below ours?

What about moving?! I can hardly take out the rubbish without hyperventilating and I am supposed to move all our stuff somewhere else?

Plus it's sad. I wanted things for Egg, like a sensory room, a "school" room and a council house basically means he would never get that. It isn't the end of the world, just the end of a dream. Having the space in this house, had it been usable, for a small school room and a sensory "area" (Egg's small but suitable walk in wardrobe would have been a lovely cosy area) has really stung over the years.

I've put of filling out the forms for years, plus I really know how to fill them out. They make little sense to me. And the disability form feels more suited for an adult with a physical disability that a child with autism. I wanted to fill them out but I did need help.

We really do need to move and filling out the forms and getting a council house seems like the only real option. Ed's parents can't do anything to this house while we still live here, it's just not going to happen. I know it frustrates them but I also know that they don't know living with Egg 24/7 or to be honest what it's like to be me and that their lack of understanding on this isn't their fault.

Plus they can't do up this house for us to continue living in it for free!

We are not in a situation where we can buy this house of off them.

I am grateful for their help and know that the situation is not their fault. It should have been fine, everything should have worked out. But it hasn't so we have to move.

After all the time trying and failing to get help it seemed I was finally getting it with the mental health team. They were going to help me get a council house. But the snow and mixed up appointments which resulted in me sending away two very understanding people at my door (my fault for missing the letter)has meant that it still not happened.

At the same time I started to think I had feelings for this house. Which I kind of do. I mean, I hate the situation but it shouldn't have worked out like this. It should have been ok. Like I said above, there is room in this house for two bedrooms, a sensory area in Egg's room and a school room. We could have made it work. But I have a feeling I was trying to love this house so I could put off getting a council house.

Without the forms filled out it doesn't look like we'll be moving anytime soon.....

Part 5 coming soon.

Good News Part 1 and Part 2

2011-01-29T09:38:00.014-06:00

Warning long post in two parts. ~~Two more parts will follow~~ Update: sorry my mistake, three more parts will follow.

Part 1 ~The Beginning~

Ok, so lets go back to the start.

I was going out with Ed. I was 17/18 and he was 22. Both of us had little cash. Both of us lived with our respective parents. Personally at 22 I would have rather rented or something and I would have liked some savings, but I can't attack ED for his life style and it certainly wasn't a problem for me at the start of out relationship.

I fell pregnant about 7 months into our actual relationship (eg the relationship clock started when we were officially not just fucking each other anymore and instead were " a couple" or "boyfriend and girlfriend", which apparently meant watching tv together before fucking).

We were invited to live with Ed's parents. They had a big enough house. Then we would buy our own place.

My mother has always said we should have applied for a council house and I wish I had listened to her.

I moved into Ed's parents house a few months before Egg was born.

It was awkward. I like Ed's parents but I am and was painfully shy with anxiety problems and very little confidence. I hated living there.

Egg was born a month early.

When he was finally allowed to come home from the hospital we had the house to ourselves as Ed's parents were on holiday. They almost cancelled the holiday due to Egg's early arrival but we managed to talk them into going.

Things were really hard, I wasn't getting on with Ed's parent's very well, staying in the bedroom almost all of the time.

I was annoyed that every time I boiled the kettle to make Egg's formula Ed's mum would end up using it. I was annoyed that in the space in the fridge that every night I put Egg's bottle there was always something there. I was annoyed that they had cats. I was annoyed that they are messy and cluttered. I was annoyed at everything. I LOVE Ed's parents, but I do not want to live with them. And that's the thing, if I had spoke up the of course Ed's mum would have happily left space for the bottles in the fridge, she probably didn't even notice. Why I didn't just say stuff I will never know, I guess I was just struggling, though to be honest I still don't just say stuff now. I desperately needed my own space. But at the same time I wasn't living with them, I was living in their house. It's not like I could have magically got rid of the cats. Oh how I hated the cats. I couldn't even get out of the bedroom during the day as I was so scared the cats would hurt Egg, especially the kitten Ed's mum bought whilst we were living there. I couldn't have magically organised their home. It was theirs to have any way they wanted. In my house I could act however I wanted, I just needed to get the house.

You would probably have to be a young mother to know how judged you feel. I wanted to be left alone with my baby. It's worth pointing out that I was prescribed antidepressants, whilst I never took them for long enough to do anything. I was in a bad place, emotionally.

If I had known Ed's parents better, things might have worked better, but they were like strangers to me.

One night Ed's mum "pulled me up" about the fact she never saw Egg or something like that. It must have been so hard for her, for them, too, and it is something that I am sorry happened. I am not an easy person, especially when my mental health is all over the place.

I didn't even know how to get hot water in the shower. It was a nightmare.

About five months after Egg was born Ed's mum ran into an old friend. An old friend who happened to be considering getting a new house....

Part 2 ~New house~

When Egg was six months old we moved into the new house. The house that previously to Ed's mum's friend.

Ed's parent helped us big time in buying the house with the plan being that we would buy it from them.

The house started off ok, it just didn't look very nice.

We didn't think we would ever be able to move house as Egg was at that age very resistant to change.

Time for a makeover. The fireplace in the living room was a massive stone thing that was horrible. But it needed done. It was too dangerous to have Egg in the room with it. To rip that out we would need new flooring and wall covering. We choose laminate and fresh plaster. The laminate meant new skirting. But the laminate was needed-for erm, mess issues we were having. The doors in the living room were replaced and a few other things here and there.

I had wanted the kitchen done up but as the piping suddenly needed changed in the bathroom we got the bathroom done up.

Now I fucked up, I had no idea what I was doing and I had no idea how to spend the loan, so I spent a lot more than was needed.

I was grateful we could live in my parents house whilst they were away on holiday whilst our house was getting done. It would have been hell otherwise.

Over time we also got the garden done, which was a massive job. Trees taller than the houses had to be cut down, fence and new grass laid. And as the garden isn't attached to our house (we are an upper flat) it wasn't even suitable for Egg to play in by himself.

Ed's parents gave us some money to get Egg's bedroom done up for a second time. The first time it I hired someone to hand lovely spotty yellow wall paper. But the room was a nursery and I wanted a big boy room. This time it was stars, blue carpet, new race car bed, the works.

Over the years we had the radiators stop working, until they were fixed, fixed and fixed again. Until one day we turned them off for good and bought plug in heaters, which cost a fortune to run. Though there was one very cold year for Egg.

I don't know how the damp happened. One day it was a bit the next day it was a lot.

Today we have a kitchen that you can't use. I use the sink, the cooker, the kettle and the washing machine. Food is kept in the living room cupboard as the food cupboards in the kitchen are very damp. The kitchen is tiny anyway and not being able to use most of it is a nightmare. It is damp and dirty. The cooker broke shortly after we moved in. So we have two cooker and one set of built in hobs. The work tops are tiled and if you even say the word "bread" crumbs magically appear all over the grouting and you just can't get them off. The sink has no metal draining section so we've had to put dish towels over the tiled work surface which has resulted black stains.

We have a "spare room" which holds our tumble dryer and fridge as the kitchen is too small for them.

Egg's freshly done up room is now damp. I recall thinking there was a problem with the roof when I found damp clothes and teddies in his walk in cupboard. That's what we put it down to. We had trouble with the roof and it was fixed, we just thought we hadn't noticed. After the room had been done up the second time, with his built in cupboard freshly plastered, I noticed the damp and mould. One day I discovered his pillow was mouldy. All his toys in his cupboard, 4 boxes, had to be binned. He took it really well and I'll never forget how amazing Egg was considering his belongings were taken away from him. I finally took his bed out of that room and put it in ours. It was the only thing I could do. Luckily his chest of drawers seems ok in the room.

Our room has a tiny bit of damp. Our wardrobe is a broken clothes rail and a plastic box. It also has our child in it.

The bathroom is DAMP.

The hall and stairs are hell. No carpet. Just messy. I want people to take their shoes of at the door, but they have to walk up the stairs first. The top of the stairs is such a mess that we carry Egg over it when he comes out of the bath!

The boiler just got replaced in December as it got condemned. The radiators STILL don't work.

Storage is nill when you keep your food in the living room.

The noise is crazy. We have three other families living in this building and if I can hear them then I am pretty sure they can hear us, Egg is very VERY LOUD.

I feel like people are looking into the house so if I am by myself I have the blinds shut (in our bedroom we have no option as there is a sheet pinned up as a window cover, stylish eh?).

We are not friends with the neighbours, not in a nasty way or anything, especially the kids who's gardens are beside ours making outside play awkward. They all play together and it must be tough on Egg.

We live across from the dog walking area, whilst that means there's not been a lot of shit on our street it's still fucking disgusting (bag it and bin it people!).

This is the building we live in, the roof over our heads and I have no strong attachment to it at all.

Basically our house is a damp, messy, cramped, cold, dirty, cluttered nightmare. Which means only bad things for Egg's autism and my mental health problems.

Good News

2011-01-27T02:57:00.004-06:00

Things might just work out. That is all.

Stylish Blogger Award

2011-01-21T06:43:00.004-06:00

Me and stylish don't really go, but for fun let's pretend. The lovely, LOVELY, bbsmum awarded me an award. I have to tell you 7 things about myself and nominate 15 other bloggers. Ok, ok, I'll tell you a few things and not nominate anyone, will that do?

If you answered yes to the above question please continue reading.

If you answered no then piss off.

Long term readers will probably know some of what I'll write but pretend you don't, kay?

1) I miss blogging. I rarely comment anymore and hardly post. It makes me sad but I can't find the energy to do it. I miss you all so much. I miss this blog too. I'm much more of a lurker these days.

2) About two hours ago I attacked my hair with scissors so it's much shorter than before.

3) My feelings about autism are changing, a lot. Something is pulling me in another direction, something so strong that if I were religious I'd say it were god.

4) I'm an atheist.

5) I'm dieting again. And losing weight. Go me.

6) My two favorite things in the world are How I met your mother. I've warned ED that I might start telling him to "suit up" when he's getting ready for work and Tim Minchin, who I'm seeing twice in April.

7) I have a slight obsession with autism books. (According to Ed's amazon account info I've received 16 in the past 2 months, have 6 on the way, 2 pre ordered and have a "few" in my wish list).

I Wish Autism Came With a Wheelchair

2011-01-07T08:36:00.004-06:00

Well, no, actually of course I don’t. My son doesn’t need a chair, he can walk. But I wish there was something you could see, something obvious. So people stop staring? So people are more understanding? No. Not that. That’s a pain in the ass, but really, no. Have you ever watched a person with an obvious disability/condition/whatevertermIcanusewithoutoffendingyou getting stared at, even laughed at? It’s just as hard for them as it is for those with the less obvious stuff.

No the reason why I want something that can be seen, something “safe” like a wheelchair is so that we can talk about it.

Egg knows he is autistic. For starters if you ever talk about your kids autism round them, they’re gonna pick up on it. But to be honest he never mentioned anything till I told him. Probably not always in the best way.“You’ve got autism, it dose not make you the bloody King of the world.” “Autism Schmatism shut up tantruming.” But hey, at least he knows right? (Please note this is an attempt at humour, I don’t actually say these things. Probably.)

At the school my son goes to, a Special Needs School, they don’t talk about it, it’s not their place. Most of the parents I’ve spoken to haven’t told their kid, in fact none of the parents I’ve spoken to have told their kid.

I read books about teenagers finally being told about their autism. Could you imagine not knowing till you were 13? Wondering what was “wrong” with you.
I am aware that the kids won’t always understand a lecture on autism, heck, I at 26 wouldn’t. But even just a “you have autism/you are autistic” would do for a start. Letting them hear the word from a young age instead of making them feel like shit at 13.

But Egg is getting upset. He feels like the only boy in the world with autism. I can’t mention some of his class mates are the same, that he isn’t alone, because he will tell them, and that isn’t our place (though I was informed that Egg was telling people that it was in fact the parents’ that put the gifts under the tree not so long ago. “Autism I can handle BUT NOT SANTA? NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!)

Egg met a boy in a park. The boy’s mother told me said boy had Aspergers. Egg was thrilled when, alter that day I told him “boy” was autistic too. Like he somehow already knew when he chose to play with the boy. He had never done that before in this particular park. I wish I had the mother’s phone number. Part of me is tempted to email all the schools in the area (she told me the school but I forgot but remember the area) asking if “boy” attends and could they pass on a message to “boys” mum for me but I fear that is a little stalkerish and I’d have the police at my door, well email address door. But the boys connected. Maybe we should hang out at the park all the time?

I need to find Egg a friend that knows about his autism. I’m also looking for books/printable sheets/DVDs anything that will help him not feel shit. I did get one book, but it really isn’t suitable, they should rename it “Not having Autism is the Bees Knees, Sorry Your Life Sucks, Also Yes, We know Bees Don’t Have Knees...Could You Stop Flapping and Look at Me Whilst I’m Speaking..Ugh Never Mind”.

Because it’s hard. I am not in a good mood with autism just now, my thoughts are constantly evolving and changing. He asked me the other day about autism and I couldn’t think of what to say to him.

Help.

My new favorite blog.

2010-12-13T07:14:00.005-06:00

I had stared to write a post which included a link list of my favorite posts from my new favorite blog, but the list was getting rather long, so I had to delete that! So instead may I suggest you just read the whole thing? Take an evening, make a cuppa and enjoy! This link will take you to the very beginning of On the Spectrum, a webcomic written Scott Lynn, enlarge your page and ENJOY. I promise you'll love it. It is perfect, funny, real, honest. Go! Now!

Ready!

2010-11-30T06:23:00.004-06:00

I got my Tim DVD, Ready For This?, delivered yesterday. Finally watched it today (kid was off school yesterday). IT IS AWESOME GO AND BUY IT!! NOW!! I was sitting at the back on the two filming days so I didn't expect to see myself on the DVD but they were filming as people entered and left the building and I was there. Cringe, but for me, dorkily cool :)

It's on it's way!!

2010-11-26T06:39:00.004-06:00

Got an emailing telling me my pre-ordered Tim DVD is on it way!! I am "Ready For This" :). This is, to me, really special, because I was at the filming, and it's like the best ever souvenir of that!

House Wish List #1

2010-11-26T05:50:00.005-06:00

These are the drawers I have loved since Egg was three. If I ever have bedroom, of my very own, in a house of my very own (or rented, I'm not fussy, anywhere that feels like our home) I hope that these will feature. The drawers are from Ikea (link). I didn't even realise it was possible to love a piece of flat pack furniture as much as I love these.

Though I am a drawer slut and also love these, and whilst they are nearly twice as much the cost, they are very beautiful. And unlike the ikea ones, they don't have a nasty yellow stripy design inside the drawers. We've had Marks furniture before and the delivery guys put those shoe covers on, carry the stuff up, unwrap it, build it and then take away all the rubbish.

Which ever ones I get (one day), I hope we'll be very happy together.

Update: I prefer the Marks ones, now I've compared them.

When I Grow Up

2010-11-07T02:39:00.001-06:00

Wow.

Noodle Soup

2010-11-05T08:46:00.005-05:00

I was inspired by a home made pot noodle idea I saw recently on Hugh Fearnley-Whittingstall's tv show River Cottage Everyday and this is what I came up with. It's really quick and healthy. Effortless, so great for people like me that don't take the time to look after themselves meals wise. And hardly any dishes. Cheap too. And bloody tasty! If you've ever had a pack of "super noodles" (I used a super market brand before) you have to try this, it's easier, healthier, and tastes so much better than those disgusting gloopy noodles. The store brand "super noodles" I used to buy contained 461 calories and a bizarre 19g of fat, ridiculous!

Noodle Soup
1)Choose your veg, prepare it as required and put into the bowl you plan to eat out of. I've gone for fresh carrot, finely diced and frozen peas. The peas will defrost in the water but remain crunchy and the carrots will be warmed through. You could use spring onions, frozen corn. Anything you fancy.

2)Add your noodles to the bowl.

3)Add about half a stock cube. Use any flavour you like, beef, chicken, ham, vegetable.

4)Cover with boiled water from the kettle.

5)Give it a stir, to break up the noodles and leave for around 5-10 minutes, until the noodles are cooked, giving it a stir from time to time.

6)Eat!! Yep, that's it! I was really hungry so I served the noodle soup with some bread.It's always good to have some fruit and veg and I chose to have some sliced carrot,cucumber and apple this time. I eat the noodles with a fork then slurp up the broth.

ps Don't mean to be a pain/boring, but I really suggest you make sure everything you buy contains no artificial colour or flavourings and no aspartame. The juice you can see is both free from aspartame and sugar (I buy this from Asda).

ps again, slicing veg/fruit is great for "grazers" like me and for people who have issues with texture (again, like me).

Diet thingie update

2010-11-03T05:46:00.007-05:00

As I sit here munching through two sliced apples (I was starving!), I thought I'd do a quick update re my efforts to lose weight. I don't want to jinx it, but it's going really well, it seems really different this time around. I have no desire to eat junk food. None. For the first few days I kept a food diary, but that was a pain in the ass so I stopped. I have ate things like cheese pasta and cheese sandwiches without feeling guilty because my current goal is to quit junk and eat three meals a day. I have ate no junk at all in the past week (update:whoops, forgot completely about Halloween -witches finger biscuits, chocolate eyeballs and a mini cake-but I actually sneaked most of into the bin because it, to me, tasted horrible). I bought some low fat cakes as a treat (I was going to buy greek yogurt, berries and meringues but I simply can't afford it). I didn't like the cakes so I left them. We munched our way through some mini seeded breadsticks one night. I haven't been meal planning or snack planning which has helped, I think too. I look forward to lunch, me the person who didn't even eat lunch (or breakfast)! I am confident this time, and it feels almost easy. It's all very strange. As for weight, I weighed myself half way through the week and I was a way up to 12 stone 7. I weighed myself yesterday at 12 stone 2. I don't weigh myself very often (due to battery phobia) but fingers crossed next time the reading will be good :)

12 stone 4 and a bit and some ghost cupcakes meant for Halloween.

2010-10-25T08:00:00.009-05:00

I am a binge eater. I pig out. Could live off junk food. Obsess about it. As soon as Egg is at school I reach for the junk. As soon as he is in bed I reach for the junk. At the weekends as soon as ED and Egg go out I reach for the junk.

I've just eaten my way through a box of ghost cupcakes that were intended for Halloween.

I've always "pigged out". As a child/teenager I would casually walk into the kitchen, take some biscuits from the tin and casually return to my bedroom. The casualness was cover story for the extra biscuits I was smuggling in pockets. With crisps and anything else (even healthy things like clementines) I'd do the same.

If I tried to "diet" and bought a weeks supply of "low cal/fat snacks" snack a jacks or some such I'd end up scoffing the lot.

Junk is always on my mind. I remember once BE (Before Egg) I told ED that I had to walk back to my house to get "clean underwear" when in actual fact there was a bag of pretzels at home I just couldn't stop thinking about.

I used to eat my dinner in my room and was very fussy, picking bits out of my food and hiding them. I still am fussy, and only really eat because ED does, I can't imagine going to any bother cooking for myself, though I would make something if I got a craving, for say fajitas.

I went on a "rainbowmummy versions of the weight watchers points diet". 2 cans of soup a day and some painkillers to take away headaches with binging thrown in.

I've always felt fat, but I am assured by ED that I was skinny. And I did see a photo of myself on my dad's computer, just my face, and I looked very different from now.

I never used to eat in front of ED. Maybe five Doritos out the bag. But BOOM! pregnant. So I got over that. Last night I was shoveling wotsits into my gob when I said to ED "y'know I could probably eat wotsits all day. If you left me enough I could eat wotsits without stopping all the time you're at work. well except when Egg gets home". He replied that he would put his money on it.

We actually included weight into a recent argument. See I had dinner with Egg before ED came home, which he knew, but he still bought me chips. I said it was a waste of money, and that I didn't need two dinners because I wasn't like him (the king of second portions). So we shouted and shouted about being fat. This was the first time he has called me fat. Typical male response up to this fight "no you're not". I swear I could look like Jabba the Hutt and he would still tell me that I was thin.

At one point, maybe 12, I was weighed at the doctors, during a check up, and I cringed, but was told you're "71/2 stone, any lighter I'd be worried".

I know in my head I must have been thinner at one point because when I was pregnant I was ten stone, and now I am going between 12 and 13 stone. I just wish I felt thinner when I was.

I know I was "chubby" as a child, which is maybe why I don't want Egg to be fat, I also don't want him to be constantly craving. I'd hate him to have my relationship with food. Trouble is with his obsessiveness and repetitiveness he does go on about e numbers and good for you/bad for you. Sigh. I did get a lot of junky treats as a kid (not blaming my folks, my problems are my own doing), and I choose to only give Egg a treat once a week with the odd pudding thrown in now and then, and say pop corn at the cinema or the odd treat when out. But it's treats, not daily.

Plus, and I'm not blaming him, but being Egg's mum is hard and eating junk is an escape. Also being stuck in the house all the time, well, it's boring. So I eat. (And eat and eat.) We have a secret junk drawer that is over flowing with, well, junk. And with the house and other stress, healthy eating seems like another chore.

The ghost cupcakes were not even nice, but shovel them in, I did. That's what annoys me. Junk food, well some of it, isn't even that nice. Sigh. Mind you I click onto thisiswhyyou'refat.com and drool, so, yeah.

If you, my friend, are fat, overweight, whatever I do not judge you at all. I can find a bigger person very, very beautiful. If a stranger is fat I admit, I can judge them. I am never going to get over this mindset that thinner is better. I dream about being thin. Very, very, very vain. But I have accepted that I won't get over it. I need to be skinny. Or happy with my weight. Well, happy enough. Some times I like "a look" that's a little too skinny, but the really, really skeletal look has never appealed, so I really don't think that's an issue for me. I have it in my head that there's not point in hair cuts and clothes of I'm not skinny. That is buying clothes. There is definitely point in me wearing clothes ;) But with quite small boobs and what looks like a pregnancy tummy, I stick to wearing the same thing every day (black long sleeve top and jeans, grey short sleeve top and jeans. Cardigan or jumper.) I want clothes. I want to not feel like I need to cover up in the summer without the fear of someone asking when I'm due (it's not in my head, it's happened, more than once).

I am, as off Tuesday, going to try again. I'm not going on a "organised snack" and making sure I'm healthy thing. I just want to lose weight without killing myself. So, I will try to eat a breakfast (cereal), lunch (sandwich and veg sticks) and dinner (if the family are having pasta with cream or cheese then so shall I). I'll just eat it all if I were to buy snacks (like bread sticks, sugar free jelly, low fat puds etc) so if I need to snack I'll have some apple or veg. If I'm starving I'll grab a bowl of cereal (I have never binged on fruit or cereal, so I know they are "safe"). Though snacks are for Egg too, so I'm not sure how to get around that. He tends to have an apple and something after school, like pecans or bread sticks (mmmmm pecans). I'll have to work out how to not binge on those things. I'm sure for me and ED I'll buy one thing when I go the supermarket, a packet of wotsits (one packet) or a low fat pud, though it would be better to cold turkey, sometimes it's not do able and two or three things a week is very different from what I am doing now. We mostly eat dinner with Egg now, so dinners are pretty healthy with a few not so low fat meals thrown in, but that's fine as I know my problem is the junk. I'm also thinking about trying to save money (as I basically only go to a supermarket a few times a week any money I am spending is spent there, and it's a lot of silly/careless spending) so dinners for a while will be things like pasata pasta with veg sticks or couscous with chickpeas.

So don't tell ED, but I'm on Project Lose Weight (as well as the soon to be put into action Project Save Money). If ED ends up a little healthier from this then that's a big bonus, I can't control what he eats at work, but even if he wasn't eating junk at home he'll lose some weight.

Wish me luck. And please DO NOT FEED THE RAINBOWMUMMY!

UPDATE: Ok, change of plan, starting Wednesday. Judge me if you like.

Tim/Nas

2010-10-22T06:31:00.003-05:00

Remember Tim was giving 50% of profit from a song bought last christmas to NAS? Well he's done it again, see here, good on Tim. (though I have to say that's it's bloody odd that everything I do seems to have some form of connection with autism......)

Catch Up

2010-10-21T04:20:00.008-05:00

Hi, remember me? Thought I'd give you a quick catch up.

I have just put a load of bagged up toys into my mothers car. Yesterday I gave the school 4 carrier bags of old clothes. I fell out with ED and didn't speak to him for so long that Egg asked me "do you not speak to dad anymore?". We are on operation grow up here and Egg has started by watching/doing more CBBC than cbeebies (on the computer-Egg actually never watches the actual tv anymore, it's that much of a pain to put on-it's broken), has bravely donated a lot of his "for younger children" dvds to a charity shop (well my mum put them in her car with the above, and will give them to a local school, but lets stick with "charity shop"), and is loving his 4 new transformers (little £3 ones). I properly dusted (that is, I used a microfiber cloth as appose to running the brush attachment of the dyson over it quickly or wiping it with my sleeve) the tv, and behind it where all the wires are, for the first time in about 2 years. I am starting to go through all his art. I am managing to bin a lot, but I might take pics or something of some of it. I have stopped shaving my legs every day but I have started washing my hair more than once every two weeks, which can only be good.

Oh and I have a social worker coming in 30 minutes and I think I am about to throw up.

Update: don't think much will come of social thing, oh well, we'll see.

Have your parents threatened you with baked beans, call now for support and advice.

2010-10-04T10:37:00.008-05:00

I've just

waited for the school bus
helped Egg with his shoes and instructed him to remove and hang up his jacket
instructed Egg to get changed, reinforced the window rules (if the blinds are open you shouldn't be in your pants!), and told him what to do with his uniform (by that I mean if he is to fold or put it in the basket).
prepared Egg's healthy snack and drink (sliced apples, fruit bar, milk)
removed ice packs from lunch box and put them in the freezer
wiped out the lunch box and put it away
washed dishes (and dried and put away) from lunch box (oh sandwich box, how I hate thee), Egg's snack and my lunch (two apples today, and a cup of tea)
checked Egg's school bag, taking note of his missing jumper
filled out a form
recorded info from school diary to my folder
homework (leaving a note saying I am confused if I am doing it right)

I still have to

wait for tumble dryer to finish then fold stuff and sort out the bedding I washed.
cook dinner (lemon and rocket couscous, moroccan chicken kebabs-shop bought thankfully-no raw chicken here!, chickpeas, cucumber).
make Egg's and ED's lunch for tomorrow.
take out bins
general tidy up
sweep floor after dinner
Either stay at home and be involved in dishes (though if I am here Ed will most likely do it, and all I will have to do is sit in the same room as Egg and listen to his high pitched constant noise, yay, wonderful), bath (almost always ED that does this, but being here at the time is still a pain in the ass) story, attempting to put on telly or escape to a supermarket (y'know, where it's loud busy and stressful).

So when you are a whiny little bitch, dear child of mine, I'd like to pour a can of baked beans in your shoes and make you wear them. And then throw custard pies at you.

Well I must go, my little sweetheart has requested the computer, despite not wanting it when I asked him when I wasn't using it. Of course.

That's it, I'm getting the beans..................

A tongue in cheek Ps If I have offended anyone who thinks I should be loving and supporting and encouraging and tolerant etc at all times I apologise but

I'm actually not a robot
He's a kid, kids are annoying, I'd be discriminating against autism if I were to treat him differently.

I'm not bothered by the Storm Movie Premiere......

2010-09-30T03:59:00.008-05:00

Oh wait, my mistake. That's absolute bullshit.

The Storm Movie premieres in London soon, a night complete with Tim, special guests and other stuff, and because I can't go to it, I'll stick up a Storm You Tube video and pretend I am not bothered. But I am. A lot. And there's the fact I've seen Tim perform Storm live 4 times. *sigh*

Official Trailer anyone?

Update: I might as well add this video to the post. Naked shoulders, kinky.

The videos are taken from Tim's official You Tube channel and stormmovie.

Still Lost

2010-09-28T02:33:00.005-05:00

WTF?? There had better be a fucking film.

It didn't feel like the end, more just the end of that particular season.

Still love it though ;) Still cried like a baby. Still feeling weird. Sad it's over.

I just wish I had more answers.

Lost

2010-09-23T03:28:00.005-05:00

I finally have the season six box set. Yay :) Fed up waiting for ED to watch season four and five, I've decided just to watch it by myself, you know how hard it is for me not to tell him stuff like about Aaron, traveling etc?! I am surprised I haven't burst. I started watching yesterday! I bought it on the 13th of this month so I did try waiting for ED. Oh, sweet relief!! I love, love, LOVE Lost :D I had forgotten a lot of things that happened but luckily there's a catch up thing on the dvd (which annoyingly I found after watching the first two episodes), it's 8 mins and 15 seconds long, heh. (get it, 815?) Now I'm off too watch..*sings Lost theme tune*

How?

2010-09-21T04:25:00.006-05:00

It's parent's evening tonight.

I asked Ed if he knew Egg's teachers names. His response was that he heard the names one time but couldn't remember.

I ask ED if he had looked at any letters or anything. He saw one once but couldn't remember what it was about.

I asked him how he could do that.

The response was bizarre. Because I asked "how" he said that I wasn't looking for an answer/what did I want him to say/I was just trying to have a go at him. The "how" was answered with I don't go into his bag and look, that's "how".

Ok, pedant (who understood the question but was being a dick), why? Why are you like that? HOW can you be like that? (HOW WORKS JUST FINE). His response was he didn't know.

I pointed out that I wasn't actually trying to "have a go" at him. I genuinely don't understand how (why, whatever) anybody can be like that and I genuinely wanted to know the answer.

It's all there. I keep all letters in a ring binder folder, dates are in the 2010 diary and written in the folder too. His communication dairy is copied onto a couple of sheets I made on the computer (two sheets=1week) because the diary is replaced when full. Those sheets are in the folder. The folder has months sectioned off and classes sectioned off (eg reports for class one, in class one section.)

I could never have my son go to school and not even know the teachers name and I don't know HOW anybody could.

I am not angry at him. Egg is in class three, I am passed angry. I am upset and disappointed and lonely and burdened. Maybe I should communicate everything to him, but I don't see why I should.

Maybe I am being petty. I never told ED there was a folder, he never asked to see anything. He has seen me pull it out a few times, so I am assuming he knows.

Yes, it's me. I'll just start telling him everything. Perhaps I should check his emails too and read them to him, though funnily enough he manages to do that off his own back.

Imagine That!

2010-09-19T10:09:00.007-05:00

There was a young boy with autism.
An autistic young boy was he.

He had no imagination.
No imagination at all had he.

Familiar play was all he could do.
Only do things he'd seen before.

There's no imagination using a couch as a bus.

There's no imagination in a witch's broom gear stick.

No imagination in a meccano handbrake, nor in an camera made from the base of a kitchen roll holder.

He couldn't possibly be using his imagination,
for he had been on a bus before.

Oh wait that's utter bullshit said the rainbowmummy.
And with that the "poem" did end.

I know it's familiar play, or imitation. He loves buses. A lot. A lot-a lot. Shut the f up about buses a lot. I know he is copying the school bus, but it's not just familiar play. My son has got an imagination. My son is creative. So there.

He plays this all the time. Using the steering wheel from his little tykes car (it fell off yonks ago). If he needs to visit the loo or I need to get off the sofa it's parked, engines off, and doors opened :)

Egg told me the words that were on the door. So I wrote the bellow on pieces of masking tape, not in order, for Egg to stick to the sofa.

The Egg made a set for the other side. I asked him how many bits of tape he would need (always learning, always practising, always communicating). He did notice earlier when showing Ed that the two sides of the sofa were different, and he "fixed" it :)

Where did we go on the bus. Why to the pet shop of course, to buy a goldfish. Yes, he did this at school. Yes, familiar, imitation, blah. It was my idea to use a bag (a plastic? bag he'll surely die!) and have him draw and colour and cut out the fish. It was my idea to use blue tissue paper that we tore up and used as water. My idea, but he accepted, enjoyed and understood the creativity and the imagination involved.

So there.

Egg ate.....

2010-09-17T03:33:00.010-05:00

HOMEMADE SPINACH AND RICOTTA CANELLONI!!!!! *faints*

Back in the days when I used to cook cannelloni it was a mammoth task, with a mammoth amount of ingredients. Tomato sauce made with onions, garlic, herbs and reduced pasata. Followed by cannelloni stuffed with spinach and ricotta, the spinach first cook and flavored with butter, garlic etc. Then a cheese sauce on top made with butter, milk, flour and lots of cheddar. Then sliced mozzarella. Followed by grated parmesan.

Ok so it is really good, but that's not how I want my son to eat (and I wish it wasn't how I wanted to eat). Just because I am fat doesn't mean my son has to be too. Plus I didn't want to overwhelm him. Plus I can't afford top eat like that. Plus I can't be arsed doing that much preparation/dishes (I don't have a dishwasher).

Egg has come to realise he actually likes the taste of pasata. He adored his tortilla pizza that he had the other night which was dripping in pasata, and I suggested that he might like pasata pasta. I showed him a picture from a Jamie Oliver Book (LOVE that guy, FYI currently on channel 4, every Monday, is his American Food Revolution) of spinach and ricotta cannelloni with exaggerated yum noises. He copied my enthusiasm.

I decided to risk it. He knows he likes plain soft cheese (which is basically what ricotta is), he knows he likes pasta (cannelloni), he knows he likes pasata and he knows spinach is ok, we eat a spinach and bacon and chicken tart sometimes for dinner (shop bought). The first night we had the tart he had something else, declaring that he wouldn't like it. I stuck a "taste" of it on his plate and he loved it. The spinach is all chopped up and if I had my eyes closed I might not even know it was there.

The cannelloni was prepared in minutes! I chopped a 500G bag of spinach really tiny then wilted it. When cool I squeezed out the excess water and mixed with 500g of ricotta. I poured some of a 500g carton of pasta in the bottom of an oven proof dish. I filled my cannelloni (ten I think, maybe twelve) by using a "piping bag", a ricotta filled sandwich bag :). I poured over the rest of the pasata and stuck it in the fridge till I was ready to put it in the oven. It took around 30 minutes at 200 degrees celsius.

I was not expecting to like it, I thought it would be a little bland and boring but both myself and ED adored it! I prefered it this way.

I served the meal with garlic bread, which Egg loves and bought some little chocolate pots for pudding. Puddings are rare in this house and the chocolate pots were not a "eat all your dinner and you'll get this" it was just a way of making the meal more enticing, but not a voiced reward/threat.

Egg ate it! He liked it! He said he didn't like the spinach, but it was clearly a visual/in his head thing. And he ate really fast (thank you, thank you, thank you). We've been eating together as a family most nights since school started back, and this night felt like we were eating an actual meal, it just felt "right" not to be confussed with "normal", but right for us.

AWESOME!

And because I love him, here's Tim's son about Fat Children. It's Tim, so there will be swear words and things you might not want your children to repeat :) Like all Tim stuff, it's funny but, actually, it's serious too. And I agree.

Clothes are difficult to draw.

2010-09-16T06:49:00.006-05:00

If I actually looked this good I'd be pretty happy.

Egg drew this ages ago, but I was reluctant to post this as I never, ever want to come across like I am making fun of Egg. But hey, this made me smile and I thought I would go ahead and share it, my friends and readers know me well enough.

Egg is learning how to draw clothes at the moment, he draws the body (the above picture being the only time it's been so, erm, detailed) and then sort of draws boxy clothes round them, tricky. But he'll get there. He drew a wonderful picture of a clothed Woody from Toy Story for his homework the other week, that made me think he "got it" but that was a one off. Yesterday I made him step by step instructions how to draw a t shirt. Like I said he'll get there.

This post is inspired by BB and his lovely mum. I'll be thinking of you as you try to explain our world's bonkers muddled up rules to BB :)

Conversation with Tim

2010-09-15T09:21:00.005-05:00

http://www.timminchin.com/2010/09/02/a-conversation-with-tim/

So who wants to come to where I live and get me, organize all travel and accommodation and then take me back home again so I can see a conversation with my obsession followed by Matilda (which Tim did the music for)? What, none of you, selfish bastards.

wisdom teeth

2010-09-14T05:06:00.003-05:00

are out! all four of them. my mouth is full of blood and i can't rinse it for 4 hours. it was fine.

Lego activity

2010-09-09T03:04:00.005-05:00

I had the idea of setting up a lego kit in our trusty paint trays (I LOVE these trays-note to self:buy more). I used masking tape to number the sections. I used masking tape as it will come off easily. Egg struggles with lego, it's fiddly, requires strong fingers and concentration. In a small kit like this he would make a good effort at finding the bits. However being set up like this took away the challenge of searching, the focus was on the building, with the added benefit of seeing how much "work" is left to go. With my verbal instruction over the picture instructions, my holding the lego at times and my building a section for him to copy on the other side he did more of this by himself than I have ever seen him do. It is also helpful to point out that if it falls apart it's ok, it's lego. A lot of fun and he really concentrated very well on this.

It's worth mentioning that in the morning before the activity (which was done after school) I had found him trying to fix his lego car.

Don't be so bloody optomistic

2010-09-08T10:10:00.007-05:00

Yeah the below post was written before Egg came home from school.

So he got upset that I had no idea what his homework was (words? what words) he moaned that he "didn't just want healthy stuff for a snack" he spilt the juice from his pineapple tub, "are you sure you don't want a bowl, it would be much easier"....

I've been told it's my fault, that "I'm the one" and that he hates me.

Well if you hate me you little shit then piss off and find a new mummy. But she wouldn't have had to *deleted* She wouldn't have been the person so scared she was googling screw down furniture. She wouldn't have pushed you around in the pram at 4am when you wouldn't sleep. She wouldn't have pushed you out her vagina now would she????

He's lucky I'm stuck with him ;)

2010-09-08T09:28:00.003-05:00

Found the below written on a piece of paper whilst I was cleaning out some drawers. Note to self: it ain't all bad.

Egg ate a smoked haddock fillet and enjoyed it.

Egg attempted to amuse a baby then speak to the mother.

Egg said sorry to a lady in a shop (I think he brushed passed her or something). The lady said "that's ok" then as she noticed how polite he was and probably how rare it was and noticing, no doubt, his sheer gorgeousness she said "but it was lovely of you to say that".

Egg tried a piece of papaya.

Egg let me rest and nap whilst playing the computer.

Egg was splashing around to much in the bath and completely accepted when I lifted him out telling him that he wasn't allowed to act like that in the bath and that tomorrow he should behave properly. He was also fine about my lifting him out for no reason a few days before.

His enthusiasm and love for taxi's delighted a taxi driver so much that he gave Egg two taxi pens :)

Egg ate some carrot.

Please make him stop.

2010-09-07T11:22:00.002-05:00

I AM SO FUCKING BEYOND TIRED OF HAVING A CHILD I HAVE NO BLOODY CONTROL OVER. I JUST WANT HIM TO STOP. IT IS SO FUCKING EXHUSTING. IT'S EVERYTHING ALL THE TIME. AND IT'S TOO MUCH. HE IS TOO MUCH.

The Table and Moment Made Me Smile.

2010-09-07T07:10:00.005-05:00

A boy cooking drawn and cut out fish fingers and chips in his play kitchen with some requested tin foil.

On the table paper scraps, pencils, pens and scissors.

Also on the table two completed work sheets printed together from starfall, the c to be exact, with a blue cookie drawn on one page.

In the oven sausages and gnocchi. In the fridge salad to go with.

Quick Question

2010-09-05T09:23:00.003-05:00

How long does it take your child(ren) to eat?

stats

2010-09-03T05:45:00.002-05:00

I didn't know there was a new stats tool on blogger. Whoop. Someone found my blog by searching jelly bean lego. awesome.

Happier Times or "sometimes I want to kick autism in the nuts".

2010-09-02T04:48:00.007-05:00

Yesterday was a really bad day. Fight with ED, seizure checks (just talking, thankfully-lovely doctor, very professional, very good-gave, well, not an all clear, but an all clear but watch in case it happens again. This was what we wanted, so I am happy.) and a meltdown in Burger King that resulted in wonderful entertainment for all fellow diners, I'm sure. That shit day was followed by this mornings melt down. Egg wanted to tick happy on his "communication diary" (mama hates this pointless diary). I explained that he didn't have a happy time in burger king. I want the feelings part of his diary removed, it's pointless and will only ever cause problems. To be honest if he has a "sad time" why does he have to share that with his class mates?? If he has a sad time because me and ED had a fight for example why does he have to share that with the class. He can't cope with feelings at all. I'll have to speak to the school about this, which I probably won't do for ages because I suck. Ugh. Sometimes I want to kick Autism in the nuts.

Anyway, let me share a happier time with you, not from today or yesterday but from a day when autism's nut were safe from a kicking...

The Future by Egg

2010-08-31T09:28:00.009-05:00

When I am older I am going to drink tea and the mummy will drink the coffee. I will sit on that side [of the table] and we will have a boy. I'll still see you sometimes.

Every time I think about this my eyes fill up. Also sparked a "personal ad" giggle from me and ED. Must Drink Coffee/Must be willing to sit on "that side" etc. And it probably goes without say that we explained that his wife can drink what she likes and you can't choose if you have a boy or a girl.

Lovely Lines!

2010-08-29T09:56:00.005-05:00

If you've been reading a while you might remember my "lovely lines" posts. I adored finding lines all around the place made from crayons, toy bugs and so on.

The other day Egg was playing with his playmobil bus/people and I noticed the lovely line. Brought back some memories :) However this time he was "playing appropriately" and showed control, oh I remember how hard it used to be getting those damn playmobil people to balance.

I took a photo and my sweet unprompted Egg took a minute to turn the people round to face the camera. Another thing, a thing I am sad I can't show you, is sweet Egg's smile. See, he has taught himself to smile, this smile I can't quite describe, but it's cute, oh so cute and so very full of effort.

Starfall. Website for children.

2010-08-27T08:01:00.002-05:00

Starfall is great website I am perfectly happy to let Egg pass the time on. The only problem I have is some of the pronunciation is off for us, but that's ok, after a few rounds of me saying "zed" over the "zee" and "zebra" over the "zeebra" etc he is aware that some of the sounds aren't like the ones we use :) A highly motivating site!

Sorting twice at once!

2010-08-26T02:52:00.005-05:00

I loved this sorting activity (scroll down) I found at a blog called On the Shelf:A Picture Diary of Montessori Work In Our Classroom. The blog hasn't been updated since May so I fear it's a finished blog, however do check it out, so many great ideas to be found there!

Anyway, the pictures do the explaining. I put it together in seconds (I am learning that I can simply take 30 seconds with a pen and paper to put together an activity rather than make, print laminate etc which has it's place but not all the time!) Egg did really well, like really well!! The only problem is rigidness, he had to put the vehicles in order, left to right (which is how we do a lot of our activities, so it's hard to understand this activity isn't like that, it can be, it still gets the job done just fine, I guess I just hate seeing him like this, the "need" to do something, I know that feeling and it's not always great). The second time we did the activity we took turns which allowed me to randomly choose a vehicle and then find it's place. However don't think I haven't noticed that in the first picture, which he did all by himself that all the vehicles are not facing the same way. Little details show great strides :)

Activity One: Sorting by colour and type of vehicle.

Activity Two: Sorting by colour and where it travels/what it travels on (why can't I find the correct words for this?!).

The possibilities are endless for this sort of work, for example sorting lego by colour and size (amount of circles at on the top of the brick).

I am posting this now (it had been saved for a while) to cheer me up afer last night. I pushed Egg to much with his homework (which was only about talking about seasons but of course I had to get ahead of myself) and then the whole "are you taking it into school" which caused a lot of problems. Sigh. Sometimes I need to get a grip.

New Dogs and Rocket Balloons/What I have decided to do re: this blog.

2010-08-25T04:02:00.017-05:00

Nope not ours. Seriously? I can't walk outside because of dog shit and you thought I'd get a dog?! My parents have a new dog. Egg has a bit of a dog obsession so I hadn't mentioned it to him. Thought it would be best to wait until he was going to see it.

DING DONG!

My parents stopped by for a visit with the dog!!!!!!! Super exciting stuff!! We stayed outside of the house, on our path, so I wouldn't freak out.

Nikki the alive and Judy the dead (well before Egg's time but I am a stupid mother who talked about death to her kid.).

I touched the dog. I haven't touched an animal in about 5 years. I washed my hands afterwards, but I did it.

She was gorgeous. Ed had mentioned how good this will be for me. I don't have to walk it, pick up it's mess, but I can stroke it.

Egg was delighted. He walked it, stroked it, talked to it. I just wish he would understand that dogs are not like people and they don't understand us and they won't talk to us.

Cutest dog ever. I still don't want one. I would never be able to manage. It's just something that will NEVER happen. And I'm ok with that. And Egg, well I am sure he would love a dog and there is nothing to stop him getting one when he is an adult and able to look after one by himself.

I don't know what he will be like when he is an adult and I 'd rather not talk about how scared that makes me feel.

They came round whilst Egg was reading a story, The Very Hungry Caterpillar, and when the visit was over he picked up where he left off. Then I read it.

Then I set out three activities for Egg. Number work, cocktail stick pushing and rocket balloons!!

Number work was great this time. He spent too long drawing dots that last time, I think, and was lossing count.If anyone wants a copy of this sheet send me an email and I'll send it on, more than happy to share!

Cocktail stick pushing, pushing cocktail sticks into a bottle with a small hole (we use a vinegar bottle).

Then rocket balloons (if you haven't heard of these before maybe do a You Tube search for them). Oh my. He used to be so scared of these. Now he loves them!!! Great for kids who are scared of loud noises, not at first maybe, ok really not at first, but I am glad I was brave a few years back to try them again, because he really likes them. It loud and actually it's ok and fun!! We played with these for ages. Then when ED came home I let him blow them up for a while. So much fun! Egg ran around like crazy with them.

After dinner we played pirates. That's what I was afraid of, by the way. Can't we just do something fun. Can't we mix it up a bit? *sigh*

Two posts in one day (change of plan, decided just to merge them). Might have something to do with the fact I ran out of tea bags yesterday and started drinking coffee. ED bought me some tea bags but I'm still on the coffee. With sugar. Many, many cups. Oh dear.

What I have decided to do re:this blog.

I tried doing another blog a while ago, an activity blog that is, but I wasn't feeling it. I like this blog and whilst I am not happy with some of the crap I have written, it's mine. "It's not perfect but it's mine" I guess you could say :) I like my friends. I like it here. I wouldn't want anyone I know to read this blog, which is odd because I am more than happy for you to read it and I still wish I could share pictures of my gorgeous boy but I know I never will. There is still a possibility I'll make the blog private which would allow me to be more open about other factors in my life, but then I have some great email friends who I can say that stuff to. However, if you want to be a reader of this blog if I ever make it private please send my your email addy. This blog is incredibly random, all over the place and that's ok. If I want to have a week like this....

Monday: Activity for Kids

Tuesday: Wah, I am having a breakdown

Wednesday: Look what I found on You Tube

Thursday: I shave my legs, check me out!

Friday: Brilliant day!

Saturday: Recipe

Sunday: To do List

...then that's ok. This is not a book and I am not a writer, maybe I could have a book, maybe I could have an "activities for children with autism" book, but this blog isn't it. This is more "breaking down mother tries to not break down". I'm just me. And that's ok. There was a time when I put way, way to much effort into posting. Doing things to post about it, taking photos of activities with Egg so I could post about it and so on, but that's not how I roll anymore. It's much more me now, much more natural.

This is me. I am overweightish, an atheist, a mum who hasn't figured out quite what she thinks and feels about autism. Some days I feel like I can't take anymore, some days are pretty sweet. I say fuck and the c word (cunt, see I said it) and shit and other words I shouldn't. And my biggest achievement this year has been shaving my legs every day for the past few weeks.

I guess the way I see this blog is like I'm having a conversation with you. You meet up for a cuppa and this is what I'll say y'know? I will be all over the place, some happy some sad. I am fed up caring that if I leave a comment on a blog, the author will pay me a visit and be horrified about my atheism/mental health/parenting/language/spelling/grammar.

I love all of you, ok most of you ;) and thank you for being in my life.

Ps Wish me luck I have to go to the dentist today. Walking outside to get fillings, well that sounds delightful.

And fuck it, since I linked Tim above I'm sticking on the video. You're all not perfect. But I love you and I hope you love you too. ps I've been to four Tim gigs and never seen this song live. If at one or both of the two gigs I am going to next year he plays this, well, I, eek, my legs are tingling at the very thought (not in a sexy way you perverts, ok a little bit in a sexy way).

Update: I went to the dentist today. Walking outside was not too bad. Did walk throuh (around) a stain on the ground, probably something from a car. I am being brave and not changing my trousers. There is nothing on my trousers and nobody will die! So I got two fillings and an appointment booked for next week.

Dentist on several occasions: Ok open wide. Wide as you can. Open wide please. A bit wider if you can. etc

Me to self: heh. blow jobs.

...............................

Dentist: Ok, so if this hurts just raise your hand and we'll stop. Ok?

Me:ok.

Dentist does his thing.

*raise hand followed by jumping around and dancing in pain*

Not quite what he meant huh? Apparently it's rather dangerous to do that, and in fact raise your hand just means raise your hand, not raise your and and freak out. Who knew?

I had two injections. The first one I didn't know he was doing it till it was in my mouth. The second was just fear of needles rather than pain (as I was already numb). I am pretty numb, surprised I can feel my right tit.

I've said it before but he really is a lovely dentist. He asked me how I was and I replied "like I'm about to get two fillings" which made hime giggle. Then I warned him that I had seen Little Shop of Horrors, and we had a wee chat about that :)

Decorating swords then playing pirates and other stuff and things.

2010-08-24T08:35:00.015-05:00

Monday was a really great day for us. After Egg returned from school and got changed had had his snack I set to work on a pile of dishes and told Egg I had put the computer on for him if he wanted it. He did and was nice and busy.

After the dishes were dried and put away I set to work setting out some activities. Egg can be reluctant to do anything (anything) and the drawers we were relying on have long stopped. I set up four things, a number activity, a jigsaw, a cutting activity (made motivating by said cutting activity being straws in a cake tin whoop!) and finally painting (*sings save the best for last*).

I told Egg that I had set up an "activity living room". It helped that I told his this whilst bouncing him on the bed. Then piggybacked (piggybacked is too a "doing word") him into the living room, he being very excited and with eyes shut.

He did the counting activity but with concentration at a real low.

The jigsaw was tricky. He got upset as I decided that first I wanted him to sort the pieces. I explained that if he needed to go and think then he should, he calmed down and didn't need to "go think".

The straw cutting was a blast :) The straws ping all over the place when snipped so there was much laughter.

I stupidly brought over a book to the table. My head couldn't stop my body "he's gonna flip you stupid body!" but strangely he didn't and read the book before painting.

I told Egg I was going to get some newspaper to lay out. When I came back into the room Egg had tidied up. Without me asking him. After I fainted I set out the newspaper.

Painting was awesome. I hate how Egg paints. I hate how it always has to be messy, sensory etc. But this time I had a plan. I sharpied a triangle and a square with written instructions written underneath on some paper. I had another piece of paper ready for when he had finished. He done an excellent job with his painting and I told him he could do whatever he wanted with the other piece, though I did ask him not to put it on his hands. He had a great time, though he would have loved to have got really messy, it was ok that he didn't. He requested we painted too, I painted a smiley face and I think Ed did a flower. Egg just painted, and that's fine by me :)

Ed returned from work and they played cars together whilst I "cooked" (read: throw a shop bought quiche in the oven). I declared a race and they both picked up their cars and ran to the window. I explained to both of them that it was a car race and the cars had to stay on the ground whilst the raced back to the table. HILARIOUS ! Too funny watching the pair of them scramble all over the floor :) Then I declared another race with the winner being whoever kissed me first, Egg wanted it to be a draw so I got double the kisses.

Then as the quiche burned slightly in the oven I spur of the moment started a monster game (but my mind quickly flashed back to us having to play monsters all the time) so I decided to make it a story. I started telling a story of the three monsters (who ended up eating Goldilocks, yeah that little bitch won't be bothering no one any more) and Egg did the actions/character speech. Oh my, I was blown away, I hadn't directed him/asked him to do that, it was all him! Ed was next. A story about Little Miss Muffet who's eating was interrupted by an elephant. Not to worry, she got a crane and dipped the elephant into the lake. Again Egg did the actions. This will be good to work on as he can work on his listening skills instead of assuming what going to happen (he ran away screaming about a spider before Ed had the chance to tell the story). As the quiche got "nice and crunchy" in the oven Egg took a turn at being the story teller. He told a story from his "magic book" :) A story about a princess (Ed) and a prince (me) who went out for a walk and found a friendly bee (Egg has a bee/wasp obsession) that made them some honey that they took home for breakfast (we can also work on our listening skills come to think about it, as we Ed made a few assumptions of ~~our~~ his own), they ate the honey spread on toast and lived happily ever after!! AWESOME!

Time for dinner ten minutes ago everyone! Better overcooked that raw! Quiche and veg. We are trying to eat as a family. Whilst eating Egg said that he would like to play "swords".

15 hours later when Egg had finished eating I had an idea (I love having ideas, esp ones that work, makes me feel like actually I don't suck as a mum and in fact am pretty damn alright). I cut some swords out of cereal boxes (which ties in with his recycling theme at school nicely) and set out pens, pencils and stickers. We all decorated out swords. Which was really good fun and picking off stickers is a great fine motor activity (though Egg felt the need to clear a whole sheet, it is ok to want to but needing to is different, but I did think about it too much and left him to it).

We proceeded to play pirates attacking each other. Yeah. Then I hid some treasure (a box of toy treasure coins) for him to find. Egg declared it chocolate money and greedily ate it. I called him pirate Augustus (as in Augustus Gloop, the boy who fell in the Willy Wonka/Charlie and the Chocolate Factory films/book). We fought a sea monster. And said pirate things. Egg got his pirate hat and suggested, in a polite but serious "do it or I'll kill you" way that only autistic kids can, so we did. I am not usually so girly but hey why not. I have shaved legs and I'll be pirate rainbowbutterfly if I want to.

Bath time was tricky as he was having lots of fun playing but we managed.

My only hope is..no never mind I'll save that for another post.

I wrote this post as it was a really nice day. And those are rare.

I Love Mila's Daydreams!

2010-08-21T09:26:00.006-05:00

Mila's Daydreams is a cute, creative, fun & quirky photo blog!!! Make yourself a cuppa and head to Mila's Daydreams :)

I'm not usually a fan of artsy baby photography as it usually involves a baby balancing on something or being shoved into something and so on, but Mila's Daydreams isn't like that, at all.

A couple of easy ones scored off followed by rambling which I decided to go ahead and post.

2010-08-19T02:41:00.010-05:00

Wrote name on swim stuff. No idea if it fits or not, but he's wearing it today ;)

Added the fact that I need to buy new trunks and a few more towels for Egg. Egg lost a towel at school swimming last (school) year, so I am short a towel. Which was a pain in the backside when I found out when he had swimming.

Managed to find a couple more jumpers in his size. They just need washed. Don't you just hate new dark blue stuff that needs washed separately? Ugh.

The ice pack safety thing was hard. Egg just wanted to play with it, I am scared it will burst, but I really do think everything will be fine. I phoned the school to let them know that the very attractive stimertuniy is in Egg's lunch box and asked if they could keep and eye out. I don't want him to think he is naughty for wanting to, but at the same time he needs to learn that it's not a toy.

It felt nice to pack him a better lunch, so far in his ice pack free not keeping food cold enough lunch box I've had to give him things that won't go bad so he's had jam sandwich a drink and an apple, a cheese sandwich a drink and an apple, and yesterday he had a jam sandwich a cheese a drink and an apple. I felt awful sending him in with jam. The first day the school gave him a yogurt, I was put out but decided it was because everyone else was having one, with the exception of on child who had a biscuit in his lunch box. I didn't make a fuss at all, just explained to Egg that I'd rather he just ate what I gave him. And so far he's not had anything other that what I have given him. If it were to happen again I'd contact the school.

Today he has a lovely seeded wrap filled with ham and cheese (well it's a wrap but not wrapped-filled folded him half (to make a semi-circle) then cut into two, he has his trusty apple and drink and some slices of yellow pepper. I can't wait to send him off with home made muffins and the like, any ideas for what to put in lunch boxes would be very welcome :)

His drink is bottle of juice, made from diluting juice (squash)-sugar free and aspartame free, and of course with no artificial colours or flavours, which beats the flavoured milk he was getting at school everyday hands down. I'm not sure if the ones at our school had flavouring/colours but I know local schools did, and I'm guessing it's the same, sugar definitely. Like Jamie Oliver says (safe to assume this isn't word for word) "milk ain't good enough any more, they worked out that if you put loads of flavourings and colourings and sugar in milk more kid will drink it. Well now that's caught on the "apple board" will work out if they make toffee apples they'll eat more apples" (see here, about 12 mins in for the milk part). In my opinion his toffee apple sarcasm nails it. All the crap kids get at school for meals, the treats at party times, the selection boxes at christmas, the eggs at easter, it just pisses me off. And additives, when will that stop? All kids need a life free from them, not just kids that get hyper. Sigh. My sons diet isn't amazing, he doesn't eat what I wish he would, but I try. It's great he's becoming braver with fruit and veg. Now I know he is eating a lunch (he went school lunches before and sometimes wouldn't want what was there so wouldn't have very much-say a piece of garlic bread perhaps) I can afford to not worry so much about what he eats in the evening, by that I mean tonight we are being brave and having a (shop bought but shit free) fish pie. If he doesn't eat much of it I don't have to freak out, I can relax, he ate a lunch.

Egg gets breakfast at school (toast and butter, cereal, orange juice) and as he is up so early we've always given him a smoothie, a cup of milk and a packet of raisins as it's a pretty long wait till breakfast (I'd like to cut out the raisins and maybe even the smoothie, but this has been our routine for a very long time, and changing this will be hard, I know it's not great for his teeth but back in the day this was his health, his two portions, but now he actually eats real fruit, so I would like it to stop). However this (school) year I've thrown in an apple too. The he'll have his fruit (etc) that I've packed for him for lunch and then when he comes home his snack is now always something and milk and an apple. So he is getting a load of fruit during the day so instead of cutting up fruit and putting it on his dinner plate I've stopped that. Now I put on veg, and if he doesn't eat much of it it's no big deal. Hopefully in time he'll be shoveling it down. A girl can hope.

I am grateful that where I live supermarkets have burst into action over the years and made it simple for me to buy food free from aspartame/colours/flavourings. All asda and marks and spencer products are free from artificial colourings and flavourings. Thank you for showing that these things are not needed.

List update.

2010-08-18T07:18:00.008-05:00

So what I have decided to do is stick my list at the side somewhere. One to do list and one appointment list.

I crossed off today my appointment with the dentist. Holy shit that was scary. First I had to walk to the dentist, that's panic attack stuff as it is, me walking outside must be an amusing sight for anyone looking my way.

The appointment itself was actually ok. It's odd having to tell someone that basically I have really bad mental health and have gone through a lot of stages of not looking after myself. The dentist, the same guy that saw Egg, was wonderful. Such a nice guy. I wanted to hug him and cry into his shoulder. So I need a couple of fillings, on both sides so that'll be two appointments. I'll get the results of my x-ray next week. My gums are bad, but not unfixable. And, oh yeah, I need to go somewhere so they can inject me than yank my wisdom teeth out. All of them.

So I have a follow up appointment booked for next week.

I am actually proud of myself. It's a nice feeling. I've been dealing with this for too long. My mouth is a mess and I am finally doing something about it. Which is needed. I confessed that I at my worst was squeezing bonjela and popping pills like a nut.

I also contacted the school re peanut butter and ice packs. Please don't for the peanut butter and no problem for the ice pack. Done.

As for my ongoing help to myself, well, apart from the above, and please don't laugh, I've been shaving my legs. Kept it up for the past two weeks. I was never the Queen of hair or anything, but I never shaved my legs every day. A person who can cope shaves her legs everyday, right? I am coping no, right? Ok, I'm not coping, but I am not coping with smooth legs, oh yeah :P

Yippee, just found out when PC next meet. I won't be adding those dates to my appointment thing/discussing school stuff here, but the finding out part is done :)

Also managed to complete my testing of Egg's lunch box. Ice pack it is. Just need to make sure Egg can be trusted with it. At least it is safe to consume, you just shouldn't. Breathe rm, breathe.

To Do List Part 2

2010-08-16T07:00:00.008-05:00

My little sweetheart is back at school today and we should know, he told us approximately 1 million times this morning. I thought I;d update my to do list and also say thank you to all my "believers" :)

~~Register at Dentist for Egg/book appointment.~~
Job done, walked there and everything.

~~Take Egg for Dentist appointment.~~
Job done! Again walked outside, we have a wonderful dentist.

~~Register at dentist for self/book appointment.~~
Wah! job done. have a very anxious appointment booked for a very worried wednesday :(
Go to it (dentist, self). EEEEEEEEEEEEEK!!

Book appointment for Egg to have asthma check.

Take Egg for asthma check.

Find out when Parent Council meet next.

Book help for seizure check up (eg If my mother gives us a lift in her car, Egg can eat a snack in her car, we won't be rushed for our 4:30 appointment and Egg won't be starving).

Go to seizure check. Stamping your feet and saying you "don't wanna" won't change anything, so stop it!

~~Take Egg to have his feet measured.~~
Job done. First attemptemt and the shop was deemed too busy by Lord Autism-Stereotype-Pain-in-the-Butt. Second attempt with trusty tangle, a "deal with it" pep talk from me and getting there before the shop even opened resulted in measured feet. Yay.

~~Buy/order shoes (regular, school and gym).~~
Didn't have his size in the styles I chose so I ordered them in. They did have gym shoes. We went retro and chose last season as this season one's were weird, though possibly only because I don't like change and they changed. I am glad they still had some from last year. Bought gym shoes and went to play in a toy shop followed by a McDonald's. When I told Egg we were getting a McDonald's for lunch the whole shopping centre must have realised this is a child who seldom gets one. He was delighted :)

~~If ordered shoes, go and collect them.~~
Shoes collected.

~~Write name on shoes.~~
Done.

~~Buy school uniforms (jumpers, tops, trousers, shorts, gym tops).~~
Pretty much done. Why shops makes children's sizes so complicated I'll never know. Will pick up a few more jumpers when I can.

STARTED IT:Buy/order new jacket, clothes, underwear (stupid growing child).
Rest assured in the knowledge that my son has not just socks that fit, but pants too. He truly is spoiled.

All above will need washed.

~~Buy lunch boxes, bottles, boxes.~~
I'll buy a few more boxes when I can, but have enough for now, assuming they don't get left at school, nicked/lost.

~~Wash lunch box etc.~~
Done, and will be doing. Every bloody day.

DOING IT:Test lunch box stuff (to see if it keeps food cold enough).
Could use some help with this one. Had to send him in with jam sandwiches as I tested lunch box and although it's insulated the food wasn't imo cold. ED thinks it's fine and says he never bothers even taking his sandwiches out of his work bag. I remember when I went to school and I never had anything insulated and I have survived. I am testing freezing the drink to see if it will keep sandwiches cold (and if the drink will melt in time), I have spare lunch box stuff for any problems (lost etc) in case you're wondering how I can test it. I also bought some "non toxic safe to consume but don't" ice pack that look a bit like the foil packets of ketchup you can get, but they worry the shit out of me and I need to see if I am even allowed to use them, oh and I need to see if I am allowed to make peanut butter sandwiches for his packed lunch.

GAH! Phone school/write to school and ask if 1) ice packs allowed 2)peanut butter allowed.

~~Make sure Egg can use lunch box stuff.~~
A very excited boy with a very cool buzz light year lunch bag and a green sandwich box and new drinks bottle managed his practice lunch with ease. Passed the open and close the drinks bottle 50 times test easily :P

DOING IT:Write name on lunch box stuff.
I have super lightly written his name on the front of his lunch box, but it so faint. I have put a sticker on the side the will come off. I maybe a hoop out of card which I attached onto the handle of his lunch box which should do, but wouldn't stop a thief (look, I got my brand new majorette stick stolen and never got it back, I have issues, kay?). The stupid yet super cool lunch box is all dark blue. I have no where I can write his name. I could sharpie the front, but my ocd is telling me that as soon as I put my sharpie pen near it it will burn a toxic hole in the lunch box. As for the drinks bottle and sandwich box, I have no idea what I can do about that.

~~Work on getting Egg to be able to put on school trousers independently (stupid size up trousers have zip and clip unlike the last two years of pull up easiness).~~
He's pretty much got it. I was more worried about it than I had to be.

~~Wash school uniforms (eek).~~
Done!

~~Write names on all school uniforms.~~
Done!

~~Wash Jacket.~~
Done!

~~Write name on jacket.~~
Done!

Sort out 7 years worth of art (do I bin it? photo it? what do I do with it?)
Could use some help with this one guys...

STARTED IT:Organize all important old school paperwork and bin rest. Have folders AUTISM, PARENT COUNCIL, DONATIONS INFO (I collect stuff for fetes etc because I am in the council), EGG AT SCHOOL, THIS YEARS COMMUNICATION (plan on keeping it all out of morbid curiosity) SOCIAL SERVICES.

Hmm, buy folders to allow above organization. Hmrph.

Take notes of stuff keen to speak with class 3 teacher about. If no appointment soon into term write letter.

Take notes of stuff keen to discuss with parent council.

Sort out all Eggs old clothes. Donate.

Sort out all stuff in house bin/donate as needed. House in massive need of decluttering. Think NEW HOUSE. What do you want to take with you? Make moving easier! Think positive!

Get help donating things (eg someone with a car). Find a place that will take it, remember charity shops not taking toys at times.

~~Tesco shirts need returned.~~
Done. Good for me, I never return anything.

Books delivered wrong needed something done with, too late to return now. Order correct ones.

Renew membership to nas.

~~Phone about NHS cards.~~
Not entitled to it. But done.

~~Go to docs re self.~~
Done it, not much he can do, gave me a few websites/organizations. I don't want pills just now. I'll go back in a few weeks I guess.

Get help from self.

STARTED IT:Try to get help from social services.
Doc has contacted them, a different bunch that the one's I was contacting. I am waiting for them to get to me. I'll bring it up with doc if I haven't heard soon.

Computer is broken (again, since APRIL), get it fixed or bin it.

Mega deep clean house.

Perhaps write up a cleaning guide for house? Or at the very least get off arse and hoover occasionally?

STARTED IT. Seek help re autism. Start focusing more on autism.
Doc suggested I conatct health visitor.

Learn more about RDI.

GAH. Contact health visitor.

~~Go to docs for Egg's finger (bottom of nail falling off as he fell and cut his cuticle).~~
Ed done this. We got some meds. He'll live.

Fill out forms for housing. And find all necessary things that go with. Find out if can post/go in person etc.

~~Buy a wallet for Egg and magically have 50p in change everyday for breakfast.~~
Job done, though I'll pick up another one in case this one gets lost/broken. Or stolen. Stolen by the little bitch that nicked my majorette stick. Cow.

~~Write name on wallet.~~
Done.

~~Make sure Egg can use wallet independently, eg can open and close it.~~
Yep, he can, and he adores it too :)

~~Figure a way of communicating money on wallet.~~
I bought little "study notes" to basically use the rings from them to make word flip books for Egg (printed from twinkl) and have been using the paper (small rectangles) to write words on and then have Egg make a sentence "I went to Hamleys with my dad" and so on. So I decided to use one of those rings and attach it to the zip. I'll put a bit of the paper on it every day saying the date, his name and what money for what.

~~Write name on school bag.~~
Done.

~~Pack school bag.~~
Done.

Continue saving up money to pay off credit cards, loans and clear overdraft. Might want to think about organizing cash a little better, hmm?

~~Take Egg for haircut.~~
Thanks to Ed, done.

Make environment more loving structured and organized and nourishing for Egg. Poor kid has suffered long enough. Needs to think about autism, discipline, things like eating together more, more family time etc.

(Please note this is probably not all of it and also note that this is not in order of importance.)

To Do List

2010-08-12T10:02:00.021-05:00

Register at Dentist for Egg/book appointment.

Take Egg for Dentist appointment.

Register at dentist for self/book appointment.

Go to it (dentist, self). EEEEEEEEEEEEEK!!

Book appointment for Egg to have asthma check.

Take Egg for asthma check.

Book help for seizure check up (eg If my mother gives us a lift in her car, Egg can eat a snack in her car, we won't be rushed for our 4:30 appointment and Egg won't be starving).

Go to seizure check. Stamping your feet and saying you "don't wanna" won't change anything, so stop it!

Take Egg to have his feet measured.

Buy/order shoes (regular, school and gym).

If ordered shoes, go and collect them.

Write name on shoes.

Buy school uniforms (jumpers, tops, trousers, shorts, gym tops).

Buy/order new jacket, clothes, underwear (stupid growing child).

All above will need washed.

Buy lunch boxes, bottles, boxes.

Wash lunch box etc.

Test lunch box stuff (to see if it keeps food cold enough).

Make sure Egg can use lunch box stuff.

Write name on lunch box stuff.

Work on getting Egg to be able to put on school trousers independently (stupid size up trousers have zip and clip unlike the last two years of pull up easiness).

Wash school uniforms (eek).

Write names on all school uniforms.

Wash Jacket.

Write name on jacket.

Sort out 7 years worth of art (do I bin it? photo it? what do I do with it?)

Organize all important old school paperwork and bin rest. Have folders AUTISM, PARENT COUNCIL, DONATIONS INFO (I collect stuff for fetes etc because I am in the council), EGG AT SCHOOL, THIS YEARS COMMUNICATION (plan on keeping it all out of morbid curiosity) SOCIAL SERVICES.

Hmm, buy folders to allow above organization. Hmrph.

Take notes of stuff keen to speak with class 3 teacher about. If no appointment soon into term write letter.

Take notes of stuff keen to discuss with parent council.

Sort out all Eggs old clothes. Donate.

Sort out all stuff in house bin/donate as needed. House in massive need of decluttered. Think NEW HOUSE. What do you want to take with you? Make moving easier! Think positive!

Get help donating things (eg someone with a car). Find a place that will take it, remember charity shops not taking toys at times.

Tesco shirts need returned.

Books delivered wrong needed something done with, too late to return now. Order correct ones.

Renew membership to nas.

Phone about NHS cards.

Go to docs re self.

Get help from self.

Try to get help from social services.

Computer is broken (again, since APRIL), get it fixed or bin it.

Mega deep clean house.

Perhaps write up a cleaning guide for house? Or at the very least get off arse and hoover occasionally?

Seek help re autism. Start focusing more on autism. Learn more about RDI.

Go to docs for Egg's finger (bottom of nail falling off as he fell and cut his cuticle).

Fill out forms for housing. And find all necessary things that go with. Find out if can post/go in person etc.

Buy a wallet for Egg and magically have 50p in change everyday for breakfast.

Write name on wallet.

Figure a way of communicating money on wallet.

Write name on school bag.

Pack school bag.

Continue saving up money to pay off credit cards, loans and clear overdraft. Might want to think about organizing cash a little better, hmm?

Take Egg for haircut.

Make environment more loving structured and organized and nourishing for Egg. Poor kid has suffered long enough. Needs to think about autism, discipline, things like eating together more, more family time etc.

Please note this is probably not all of it and also note that this is not in order of importance.

Booked my second Tim gig

2010-08-08T10:36:00.006-05:00

:D

The day before the Tim gig I am going to here, where I live, I'll be traveling to somewhere where I don't live to see a Tim gig. For those of you that missed my excited post about it, I'll fill you in. Tim is playing with a 55 piece orchestra!!! The gigs aren't until next year, and I am VERY excited! I've managed to get row c for one gig and row b for the other (both times I will be on the side facing his wonderful piano playing hands!) I have a Tim friend traveling up from somewhere else who shall be joining me, whoop!! I have never met this person, so fingers crossed we get on as well as we do via email!

Random

2010-08-07T09:32:00.004-05:00

A few weeks ago I had put Egg into Ikea's wonderful play area and was walking around the store. I saw, in the children's section, a wooden paper dispenser/roll thing. I had to stifle a giggle when I saw what someone had written on the paper in display model.

"Don't touch, made from dead ponies".

Hi

2010-08-06T03:51:00.004-05:00

A few of you have contacted me saying you couldn't get into my blog. I had made it private a few days ago, just to have a wee think (that is a small think, not a think about wee), but I realise that was selfish of me to go away and leave no explanation.

Basically I can't decide if I should a)keep this blog b)make this blog private so I can read it and then start another blog c)delete this blog altogether d)keep this blog open but put previous posts into draft format.

I want to keep all the lovely comments and not all the memories here are bad. I wouldn't want anyone I know to read this blog. I am embarrassed by some of it too, the recipes and early bullshit. My opinions regarding autism are changing, A LOT as well, so a lot of the stuff I have written makes no sense. Most of the time I can't be arsed to even write anything. However, I have made some wonderful true friends in this little blog world.

Also, in other news....I went to the doctors. That's the ball rolling. After my first appointment I have a double appointment booked for next week and I think the doctor is a little bit worried about me (he remembers the days when I was 16 and depressed, but I am pretty dark now, a darker shade of black). The doc is also contacting social services for me. I appreciate that he understands that I am not the type of person who can go wailing into a doctors surgery.

I also took Egg to the dentist for the first time since he was a baby. Not too bad. Two minor problems. He tried to fill one tooth with s filler but it';s basically come out. However, the dentist was WONDERFUL. So yay!

So that's twice this week I've walked outside.

Unfortunately there have been many, many downs. Fights with ED and my parenting has been a disgrace.

I was thinking of taking a blog break, though just from writing, I wish I was like a certain blogger hero of mine (who shall remain nameless, GAH!) and could switch off the computer and concentrate on sorting my life out but I can't do that. Perhaps I'll use this place to write my to do list?

I find it bizarre that some of you have been reading my blog for so long. The earlier posts have been absolute shit and I am humbled that you have bothered to stick around.

xx

Low

2010-07-26T10:29:00.003-05:00

I am feeling really low. I am tired, and lonely, and not being a good mum.

My to do list is freaking me out so much that I haven't even actually written it.

I don't want to do this anymore. Game over.

Egg seeing how sad I am is "going to the shops" on his "bike" and is "buying me a cereal bar".

I hate myself. He was so upset earlier as I didn't want to play with him. I just don't want to.

We've had great little pockets of the day where "work" has been done. But this isn't enough, he needs me and I am not here.

I just received my "cereal bar". If only an imaginary cereal bar were the cure, eh?

Munchness Bonkers (or a pep talk from a crazy chick who has lost her muchness, even though she wasn't very much to start off with)

2010-07-22T03:36:00.009-05:00

You're mad, bonkers, off your head.
But let me tell you a secret.
All the best people are.

However, bonkers is one thing, but losing your muchness is a whole other story. You used to be much more muchier, somethings missing. Lets get back to that, even if you weren't muchier to begin with I know you are, I know you are meant to be.

Birthday Part 2

2010-07-20T14:14:00.004-05:00

So now my boys are at my would be in laws. After their walk I made lunch. I had hoped to make the ham and cheese muffins all together but Egg wasn't up for it, so I did it alone. The muffins went down a TREAT :)

Egg decided when out that he would rent a dvd, so we attempted to watch one all together but to be honest it was stressful. The home made popcorn was fun though.

Me and ED exchanged words. Basically at around ten to four ED made a comment about getting ready to go as he thought the party was at 4. I got pissed off as he didn't even know when the party was and thought that getting ready and travelling there was ten minutes worth of time. I shouldn't have got annoyed.

Egg's party was AWESOME. He had a blast. Not that many kids came, but that's ok, there is a real problem wit communication with other parents. The party was awesome. He loved his cake. He loved the guy dressed as a monkey. He loved running around with his friends and his friends brothers. He loved it all.

His balloon burst whilst we were waiting for our taxi and he got really upset. A boy who was at the party gave him his. So I chased the boy around with the threat of a big kiss which was fun!

All in all not to bad a day :)

My baby is seven.

UPDATE: Just had a fight with the would be inlaws. They bought him extra. A wheelbarrow plastic set that's too small for him.

Birthday Part 1

2010-07-20T05:13:00.006-05:00

So my boys have just gone for a walk.

If I were a negative person I'd write about how Egg had a massive tantrum. I'd write about how Egg dissed our plans to rent a DVD. I'd write about the anxiety in our house. I'd write about how Egg moaned at one of his gifts "awww muuuuuuummmyyy", despite really wanting it, he didn't expect to get it as I had asked him a while back "if he could only have one [out of the two gifts he super wanted] which one he would choose. I'd write that Egg would have been happy with just one gift. I'd write that it was very stressful watching ED make lego, and how I tried really hard to get Egg involved. I'd write about how the batteries that power the lights on his new playmobil police car scare the shit out of me (battery phobia). I would write about how week my son is, no strength to build the lego. But I won't.

We decorated the living room with birthday banners, blew up balloons, some yellow (the current favourite colour) and some with 7's on them, we decorated his chair by wrapping banners round it, a "7" birthday crown was made and some streamers were put on the table. The cake was baked and decorated and stressed over and decorated some more. Then some more. If in doubt throw on more sprinkles.

So. Egg opened his gifts. Just the police car and the books the school gave him. Then we surprised him with another bag. Meccano, lego toy story thing, a Ben 10 bike with figure, a search book and a zingzillas figure. Too much, I don't know or care. We used to buy him a toy shop every week, so this is scaled back massively. He enjoyed opening his gifts :)

He built the lego. Which was hard, fun, hard again, then finished. But at least he got involved, instead of his dad doing it on his own. He will be getting lego off my parents when they return from their holiday and practice and freedom (eg a box of bricks instead of a kit) will work wonders.

We made banana and white chocolate and cherry muffins for breakfast. Egg cracked an Egg all by himself, which is pretty cool. We put a "7" candle in his and sung happy birthday (with the reassurance that of course he'll be having cake and the song later at his party). Lots of mmmmm's were said during the eating :)

I gave him red, orange, yellow, green and blue crayola dough (so much better than play doh imo) and told him he could mix it, do what he wants with it, I also provided some candles. He proceeded to tip out the tubs and MIX. He had fun.

We interrupt this happy day (ok anxious but happy day) as there is a child having a massive tantrum.

*music plays*

Ok tantrum over. I am so lucky that Egg has a good dad. I lose the plot all the time (you don't have to judge me for it, I beat myself up for it enough). Anyway, ED raised his voice. And it made me think what Eggs life would be like with a different dad, not good. ED has is faults, sure, but Egg is very lucky.

So my boys decided to go for a walk. And as they left they discovered a lovely card from my lovely friend Casdok. Thank you! He was chuffed :)

Fingers crossed the rest of the days goes well....

Babies first sexism and other stories...

2010-07-19T03:29:00.004-05:00

"Boys play space rangers not girls. They do girl things, like princesses, stuff like that".

Well, he's not getting that shit from us thus proving the power of the playground. He's saying more stuff about it just now as I type.

UPDATE: Egg has just put Hula Hoops on his fingers. Score that one of your developmental chart and smoke it. Just a joke, but actually it's the first time he's ever done it himself, made me smile. Not that he gets much practice only being given a packet of crisps every decade.

To Ben 10

2010-07-18T08:23:00.002-05:00

OR NOT. That is the question. Egg will be seven soon. Is it time? A part of me wants to and a part of me doesn't. Thoughts, please.

Am I me?

2010-07-16T07:59:00.003-05:00

I used to not want to take pills as I felt they would be changing the way I am/feel and that's not ok. Things like being depressed about the house, I don't want a pill for that, I want a house for that. However, I am thinking more and more that maybe the way I am/feel isn't actually the way I am/feel. Maybe I'm not the grumpiest shittiest moaniest saddest person who ever lived. Maybe. However I don't think I could do the whole weeks of feeling worse. And if the pills made me gain weight, I wouldn't be able to cope with that. But maybe there is other help. Therapy, I guess. I am planning to get to my doctors for help soon. First I would like ED to book a mortgage appointment to make 100% sure we can't get a mortgage. I want an actual person to say to him that we can't get one instead of a computer saying it. Basically if we can't get a mortgage I'll need more help from the doctors, so that's why I will wait for that. Plus ED's not off work until the last two weeks of the summer holidays so there isn't much I can do just now anyway, what with Egg being here. Maybe I should write it all down, so that if I go the doctors and then freeze and feel like I can't say anything I'll have a fall back plan.

bad

2010-07-13T03:21:00.003-05:00

I just done the thing that I hate myself for doing.

this life

2010-07-12T03:49:00.008-05:00

I was pregnant at 18. At 19 I gave birth to a premature autistic child. The birth itself involved 60 hours of hell, forceps, inducings (well just one..) and an epidural which required seven injections into my spine but didn't work. Egg was put into special care, and I felt so young, like he wasn't mine, having to ask permission to hold him. We ended up staying a few nights at the hospital, in a special room. That is when the bottle feeding started, after a nurse saw how sad I was and how much pain I was in. I am so grateful for that nurse. I do however wish that when I was told from a different nurse that I basically had to choose to either breast feed or bottle feed that I followed my own instincts, which was to do both.

At this point I was living with my in laws, which was hard. We spent all our time in ED's bedroom. I was miserable. Everything was hard. This honestly has nothing to do with liking my in laws or hating them.

Three months before my 20th birthday and five months before Eggs first we moved into the house that ED's parents bought to help us.

Soon the house started to fall apart. I say soon, but it was after we took out huge loans to do stuff up, we didn't think Egg would ever cope with moving somewhere else. My relationship with ED was horrific, we had such awful fights. I wasn't a good mum. I had no idea what I was doing.

Our house is so bad now that Egg is in our room. The kitchen cannot be used to store food. There is damp and mold all over the place. Clutter and mess surround us because you don't tend to give a shit when you hate where you live. Egg's toys recently got organized and I bought two big storage units from Ikea. This has made things for him easier.

I have tried to get help from social services but they are not helping. They sent someone round to help fill out the forms but she was no help. Basically Ed's parents want us out. This house needs massive amounts of work, and whilst they don't understand when I say that the work can't be done with Egg here, the fact is they can't do anything. However they are not kicking us out into the street, and if I write on a form that we are going to be homeless I reckon we would be put anywhere. I am looking for a better life. So now they want me to contact "mental health" I just want them to help me get a house. That's all I want. I don't understand why people won't help me.

I am so worried about Egg. Nobody is involved with his autism. And then he had his first seizure. His life has been so fucked from such a young age. This fucking house. I wish he could have friends in his house. I am so ashamed of the life my son has. He has a hard enough time without all this shit on top of it.

In real life I have no friends. No job (though please note I am not on job seekers, ED works, I am not sure how I could work around Ed's work schedule and Egg's school schedule and then there's the fact that I am insane). I am not a very nice person. My (undiagnosed) ocd/depression/ocd induced agoraphobic like tendencies/paranoia/anger just keep getting worse. I am three stone heavier than when I was pregnant. I hardly wash my hair. I only shower because I have (undiagnosed) ocd and fell the need to after certain things. I have hardly any clothes. I have let my teeth rot away at the back and I can see my gums are receding.

I am ill. I went for a nap on Friday and woke up a shivering wreck. I have some kind of throat infection. This weekend has been hard. I have been really ill. I booked an appointment at the Doctors today but had to miss it as I couldn't get Egg ready in time. I managed to change it for a later time. After a big fight with Ed, whom I hated for going to work, he is coming home so I can go to the appointment alone. I am going to have to walk to the doctors and I am terrified.

I am constantly screaming at ED that I breaking down. But like he tells me, I'm not, not really. I still get up. I still eat. I still go to the shops twice a week and put on washings (using our broken washing machine). So I can't be breaking down, not really.

I still have a glimmer of hope "for every dark cloud, there is a little ray of sunshine just bursting to get through" (Georgina J. Derbyshire). But I've had the same glimmer for the longest time and I don't know what to actually do about it. I don't know how to fix this.

Update: So Ed came home for me to go alone to the appointment. Walking was actually not too bad. Like I said I don't have agoraphobia, but I have something like that, brought on by all the dog shit around here. If it were clean outside, I'd be outside. So whilst it wasn't clean outside, I managed. I thought to myself that I might be able to be brave enough to talk about more than my throat, I managed a little but really only to tell the doctor (whom I hadn't met before) why I struggled to get to the dentist. Turns out my throat infection is due to my teeth. I so wanted to just to release (even writing the word makes me feel tense, with a desire to release and relax), I wanted to sob and sob and ask for help but I just couldn't. Not yet. However, me actually walking to the doctors, then to the chemist, then back home, whilst a very short and everyday type activity for most is massive for me. So I have achieved something today. I was a screaming wreck this morning and upset my family. I am a mess, but I achieved a small thing today, and we should never over looked the little things.

Egg had a seizure.

2010-06-29T19:41:00.002-05:00

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!!!

2010-06-29T03:50:00.004-05:00

Can't speak. Tim doing arena tour with 55 piece orchestra. Not coming to where I am till next year. Could go to London this year but don't think I can manage alone. This is going to be fucking incredible. *collapses from excitement*

Fuck you autism and your little speech disorder too.

2010-06-27T14:08:00.004-05:00

So what do you do when your kid is crying hysterically because he is so upset that he couldn't have a conversation with a child half his age because of his autism. Tell me, what the fuck do you do? I calmed him down, explained that his talking was getting better, gave him examples and so on but seriously, what the hell do you do, inside your own head, what do you do? I am so fucking sick of autism. Confession: sometimes I wish I thought he was trapped inside his autism and sometimes I wish he could "recover". There. Said it.

AAAAAAA

2010-06-23T05:48:00.004-05:00

Was playing about with the new design feature and accidentally saved the changes I made. As you know I don't like change, and I couldn't fix it *gasp!* so after I finished rocking in thew corner sobbing my heart out I found out you can go back. Design-editHTML-scroll down where you can choose to go back. Phew. Now if you could all stop changing your blogs that would be great.

Spaghetti

2010-06-17T03:19:00.007-05:00

My son ate for his dinner

spaghetti with a tomato sauce
two meatballs
a piece of lettuce
his apple (he has an apple or pear with every meal, which is wonderful)
three mozzarella balls (the pearl ones)
garlic bread
strawberries and cream

FREAKING HELL THE CHILD ATE SPAGHETTI WITH TOMATO SAUCE. I swear I nearly fainted.

I decided to be brave, buy some ready meals (from Marks, no junk). We (me and Egg) had dinner together. He ate tomato pasta!!!! And lettuce!!!! And mozzarella!!! And two meatballs!!

I told him that what we were having. We had talked about the pasta a few days before as we were discussing what his dad and I had for dinner (this week aside (mon, tues and wed) we don't eat together and often have dinner when Egg is in bed). I said that perhaps we could eat the pasta all together one day. Then I just got brave and did it. One night with no food won't kill him, I thought, and there is garlic bread which he likes so he most definitely won't starve. Can you imagine my surprise when he ate his dinner. When he saw the piece of lettuce he asked for it to be moved to my plate which made me break out into some sort of hyper "yes you can!!!" speaker.

You are having lettuce and tomato spaghetti with meatballs for your dinner!!! It's time to not be scared of food anymore!!! Tell yourself to be brave!!! Eat the food!!! YES YOU CAN!!!!

To encourage lettuce eating we pretended to be rabbits! For the spaghetti, all credit goes to Egg he just did it. Messily and slurpily, with a towel handy for wiping when needed. He did it!

I explained the meatballs were basically burger balls, but he is so like me when it comes to texture (not that I make a big deal in front of him, his problems are his own with this one, he isn't copying me) and only like burgers from burger places (the burgers at home NEVER taste like burger king/mc donalds, never) but he stuck it in his mouth. When his pasta was finished he told me he didn't want to eat his meatballs. I asked him if he would try to eat just one more, explaining that to become a better eater he has to teach his mouth to get used to textures, not sure if he understood my words but he certainly appreciated my honesty and tone, and he ate one more.

For pudding we had strawberries and cream. Strawberries chopped up with less than a tea spoon of sugar and pouring cream. Strawberries, another huge deal.

I am so happy and proud I could pogo stick to the moon!

2010-06-15T08:21:00.002-05:00

tim dvd is out in november (which is cool cos I was there for the filming), he's touring this year (which I'd be a lot more excited about if I were in a better place-esp with going outside/travel/having friends) lost dvd is out in october (NOBODY RUIN IT FOR ME) and there is going to be an avatar book (geek scream). it's like the universe is trying to help me survive the summer holidays by rewarding me for good behaviour. thanks universe.

2010-06-14T02:48:00.005-05:00

Yesterday, for the first time, I let Egg go to a male bathroom. Usually I take him to the ladies, but I was brave and decided it was time. A man went in soon after Egg and I could hear a bit of noise from the door. Egg came out the toilet freaked and with unwashed hands. I took him to another toilet to wash his hands and tried to find out what happened (it's worth noting that we were in a secure play area, come in with kids, leave through locked door with kids, I wouldn't just have left him to use a busy loo in a shopping centre). The man looked freaked when he came out. It took a while of talking to Egg but it turns out he told the man to "shhh be quiet". I decided to be bold and find the man and asked what happened. He explained to me that Egg was making oh dear that's not good noises and the man had asked if he was ok. Egg told him to shh be quiet. I explained to the guy that Egg was autistic and in my happy little everything's fine voice told him that what he witnessed was just plain old autism.

My son is getting to old to come in to the ladies toilet with me. We are going to need to start using the disabled toilet. Because my son is disabled. I have a disabled child. I was pregnant with a disabled child at 18 and am going to have a disabled child for the rest of my life and I am not all that sure I can cope with all of this.

2010-05-31T06:51:00.004-05:00

I just read something that has taken my breath away. Anyone who has emailed our long lost bloggy friend will maybe know what I am talking about. She is an inspiration and my hero. I hope soon to be more like her instead of allowing my life to be like this.

New blog

2010-05-02T12:44:00.001-05:00

Here. :)

The Drawers.

2010-04-23T08:29:00.009-05:00

I was going to write a really long post on this, but as I was writing I got bored and deleted it.

I mentioned drawers a few posts ago, here, saying they have worked wonders.

So long story short.

I found a blog called Confessions of a Homeschooler (Erica, who writes the blog is an absolute joy! She offers a bazillion printables and has been very kind to me). Well, I found these posts about "The Workbox System", see here and here.

WOW!

So I went out and bought two of these and asked ED to build them. I ended up only using one. I numbered the drawers 1-6.

So this is how we do our activities now. And boy, is it working out well. It took a while. At first I put out six things, and Egg could do them if he wanted, in any order, choosing any number of activities. It was hard filling the drawers, and some days I wouldn't bother, leaving in the stuff from the day before. Then without any pushing at all from me it just fell into place. He started doing the drawers, in order, after school. There are times when he isn't keen on what's in the drawer, times when he will say that it's "too hard" (translation "mum, 0-10?! You know that's 55 things I'll have to count out?! I can't be bothered") but he manages, most of the time. He isn't forced to do the drawers. If he doesn't want to, then fine, we'll leave it, but it would be rare for that to happen.

I have started to get away with putting two things in a drawer, which is less daunting that me putting out two of the drawer untis! I have found that using the drawers I can introduce new things to Egg, for example a new book which may very well have gone unread for months had it been simply given to him or added to his book box can be put in a drawer and read and enjoyed!

During the spring holiday we just had I would fill the drawers at night, instead of whilst he is at school. We would do them everyday, after folder time (which I'll explain in another post) and before lunch.

His drawers are filled with writing etc (language work), maths, art (probably not open ended, eg making something that I have planned rather than going at it with paint), a game, a jigsaw, a book, and so.

I sleep in on Saturdays and I don't tend to fill the drawers for that day, but have started filling them for Sunday morning.

It is a lot of work filling the drawers. A lot of the stuff I put in the drawers is printed, laminated and cut out. However, we are not homeschoolers. Egg goes to school. The drawers and folder are really helping him, however I don't feel pressured to do it. His education isn't just down to me, thank goodness ;) I think homeschoolers are incredible! I can put out really easy worksheets for him, along with other stuff, as it encourages his basic issues with "doing stuff", his concentration problems and his desire to reject direction.

When we move I will do things differently. I will have more of the jigsaws and games etc out for him, but right now in this hell hole it's not possible. I would like still to have some shelves of things I would change up for him, but again that will be happening in our next home.

Of course it goes without say that we do other things too. And we still need to work on a bit more independence with the drawers, but I am pretty happy with how it's turning out.

So perhaps it's something for you to think about, it's made big changes here, that's for sure!

Here is what's in the drawers today:

1) letter L tracing and an alphabet jigsaw, no doubt followed by the song (we sing it twice, once for letter names, once for the sounds)

2) pages from a work book. This is a simple work book. Every two pages there is a star, for the child to attach a start sticker to. I took the stickers and numbered them, and numbered the ones in the book. One day one I gave him stickers 1, 2 and 3. This showed Egg that he didn't need to do the whole book, just the first six pages. I also covered the book, in wrapping paper (it's a "getting ready for school" book, and I didn't want Egg to see that. This added to the interest in the book :)

3) 14 tracing card and counting 14 flat marbles. (I'm not loving the number cards I bought, sigh)

4) two colouring pages cut from a colouring book.

5) a "grid game". I used the "fill your own" grids from prekinders (a Brilliant site!!). I put a clip art pic of a treasure chest in each square. The we roll a dice and place that amount of "gold coins" onto our grid. First person to fill their page is the winner. We allow the person in second place to finish. Then we roll the dice to take the coins back off.

6) a cutting and glueing colour matching activity. I printed the colour matching file folder game from Home Grown Hearts. It is aimed for younger kids, and Egg really doesn't need to work on his colours, but I've changed it up a bit. He is going to cut out around the crayons (I have put dashed lines so he knows where to cut) and he will glue the correct crayon to the correct picture. I think he will really like it.

Sorry for the lack of photos. Still on ED's computer. Need to set up my camera. SIGH.

Food Breakthrough!!

2010-04-22T12:59:00.006-05:00

Egg ate 4 prawns and a slice of chicken!!!!!!!!

He was very nervous of the prawn. I explained that they were like the inside of the crispy prawns he had tasted before. He tasted a teeny bit. I suggested that he dip the prawn into the crumbs from his potato croquettes. He agreed this was a good idea. And ate the prawn, followed by three more. I offered to make him some breadcrumbs to turn his unwanted chicken into "chicken nuggets". He said he would like that. I grated some bread and toasted it in a dry (no oil/butter) frying pan. He ate it. Made a huge mess and had to put his hands over his ears as I "proud mama screamed" the place down :P

Next up I am going to try him with a piece of fish, baked in the oven. I'll just serve it with a pile of breadcrumbs for him to coat it in himself.

I hope this isn't a one off!

Team this breadcrumb phenomena with the increase in fruit and veg (apples, red pears, pepper) around here makes for one proud and happy mum!!

This is so much healthier than all those breadcrumb foods. This is proper meat/fish (ok so my chicken was bought pre cooked, but I can't touch raw chicken) etc with basically dry toast.

If you have a kid that is keen on breadcrumb food(fish fingers, chicken nuggets etc)but who won't eat chicken/fish without being processed and crumbed you can't not try this!!!!

Egg is back at school....

2010-04-19T05:16:00.006-05:00

...after two weeks, well 16 days actually, off. Holidays are usually awful. He screams, I scream, he cries, I cry. But this one didn't suck. The hours didn't drag in. I wasn't crying by the end. A few things have made this happen, I think.

One: Egg is becoming less of a pain in the ass, and I am calming down a bit too.

Two: ED got up every morning with him, which makes a huge difference, I cannot get up at 6am and last until 6-7ish when ED returns home from work. This way I was getting up at about 8:30.

Three: ED would have Egg to go to the loo, brush teeth and get dressed for the day (independent-ish but requires being told to do it). This meant that he wouldn't still be wearing pjs at lunch time and it also kept him into his typical school day routine.

Four: ED would leave for work (after being amazing) and I would get up. Then I would fight to get the tv to bloody work (ugh, it takes 5 minutes to get the bloody thing to work) and I would watch about an hour of tv (two episodes of Everybody Loves Raymond, yes it's not a very good show, I am aware, so stop judging me). Egg can do what he likes in this time, but must not block the tv or make too much noise. This has, I believe done a few things, it encourages him to think about others (feelings and perspective, eg just because he can see the tv doesn't mean that I can if he is standing in front of it) makes him realise that everything is not about him (mum's programme) and it takes an hour out of our day and I get to sit down and ease into the day.

Five: Structure-ish/routine-ish. Breakfast. Folder. Drawers.

Six: The folder and the drawers. Works wonders for both of us. More to come on this...

Seven: The park that dreams are made of. Spent a lot of afternoons there. Amazing. Now most of you know I can't leave the house. Well I can in a taxi. And I can walk where it's clean. So I'd get a taxi to a place nearish the park. Then we would walk on a lovely clean area, reach two awesome play parks and have a shed load of fun. Sometimes we would walk a rather long way to a third play park. We had a lot of fun, he worked on his sharing (which he can do easily, but not with obsessions, and he just so happens to be obsessed with a steering wheel at one of the parks) this started badly and ended wonderfully-with some beautiful behaviour from sweet Egg, he played with some kids (one kid in particular he had a blast with), he got some fresh air and a chance to run as fast as he wanted and make as much noise as he wished, he had to deal with life (arsehole mother who had no concept of what sharing is-woman your kids were waiting patiently and happily, what the fuck is your problem?, you've confused the fuck out of my kid and upset your own by forcing them to share the boat with each other, each one getting about a three second turn, man, she pissed me off), an accidental kick to "blast" kids head, making Egg scream really loud, compose himself then apologise, a fun fair appeared in front of a forth park, but Egg had already been told that we were not spending money and it was too much and he ran away from me and also screamed in such a high pitched voice that I think a few windows smashed, yeah we avoided that park.

So yeah, good holiday. Very different to the others. I hope this lasts. This morning he had a mild tantrum, but I kept my cool and he got over himself. We done the before mentioned folder (more info later), which was great as I was scared he wouldn't want to do it on a school day and we have had a good after school routine (ish) set up for a few months now, so I am sure this will continue as usual.

Oh yeah my computer has a virus :( I will have lost all my documents. I nearly cried when ED pointed out I would have lost my Tim photos, luckily it worked out (I still have some online-not on this blog anymore, and I had saved them onto this computer before, PHEW) I'm on Ed's computer just now. I hate it. I can't even make a document. I have a to do list that is freaking me out and my kid has a wobbly tooth. We are still stuck in the house from hell, and no I have not done anything about it. Shut up.

This blog

2010-03-26T07:29:00.005-05:00

I know I've been a bit back and forth with this blog. I've lost a lot of people I care because I haven't been writing or keeping up with e mails/comments and because they themselves have had their own issues which have put them in the same situation as me, I miss you all. I can't write freely. I have a lot of issues with my life, the school a big thing that I can't talk about, me, my mental health (ha!) my weight, my lack of friends, my parenting (ha), my relationship with ED, Egg, autism and so on. I enjoy making activities for Egg, admittedly more than I enjoy doing them with him. I might start a blog about that, but I doubt I'll be doing this blog, maybe I'll check in from time to time, like just now, hmm. I feel uncomfortable with it out there. I want to move, to be a better mother, more organised, take care of myself, get outside more, loss some weight, actually have a relationship with Ed, not be so stressed about school, find I have ways to cope with Egg, enjoy being a mother, get out of debt, find some happiness. I don't want to do this life anymore, but I have zero motivation to change. The easter holidays are starting soon "but I'm an atheist, can't my kid just go to school?!" and I'm going to be stressed to the max. I am not on speaking terms with ED, I don't feel like we have a relationship, and it really sucks. I don't think, no I know that constantly moaning on a blog about things is going to help. Sure if I could talk freely I could get rid of a lot of stress, but I just can't do it. Maybe should go retro and start a diary. I need motivation and to lose the fear and start to live. See I am not daft, I don't want a perfect life, but I need more that this. I wish I knew how to beat the fear and get some motivation.

sigh

2010-03-24T08:16:00.004-05:00

I just chopped of some of my hair. How odd.

I just made a sandwich because I was about to collapse from hunger, but couldn't be bothered to cook/do dishes after. Well it's been sitting beside me for 15 minutes. Odd given I was abut to collapse from hunger.

I don't feel too great.

No shit Sherlock...

2010-03-10T08:30:00.003-06:00

Email "Anxiety Zone is now following you" (on twitter, which I don't even use anymore as I am simply to depressed to "tweet" or even do much Tim; the reason behind my joining twitter).

Yeah so anxiety zone, following me, yeah no shit.